12 Tips From Investment Banking Analysts to Managing Directors

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.


2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.


3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.


4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and this is good training.


5. If you give me more that one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.


6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. Beside, having no life will help prepare me for making partner.


7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.


8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.


9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.


10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deduction powers will identify them.


11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.


12. Tell me all your little problems. None of us have any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Questions and Answers

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy, and many of them find their way into investment banking. Here are good-natured questions and answers pertaining to their kind:

Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?

A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.

* * *

Q: Why did the market economist cross the road?

A: To reach the consensus forecast.

* * *

Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years.

* * *

Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None - the market has already discounted the change.

* * *

Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?

A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.

* * *

Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.

* * *

Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?

A: Too early to say.

* * *

Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.

* * *

Q: What does an economist use when calculating constant-dollar estimates?

A: Deflator mouse

* * *

Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.

* * *

Q: Why has astrology been invented?

A: So that economics could be more accurate.

* * *

Q: Why did God create economists?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

* * *

Q: What does an economist do?

A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.

* * *

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

* * *

Q: What's the difference between economists and businessmen?

A: The first don't keep their feet on the ground; the latest use to keep their four feet in the ground

* * *

Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?

A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.

* * *

Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's?

A: The economist is the one with the calculator.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Why study Economics?

Many investment bankers have an economics background. So, why did they study economics instead of, say, a business or engineering course? Here are the top reasons to study Economics:

1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."

2. Economists can supply it on demand.

3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.

4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.

5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.

6. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".

7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.

8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.

9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

The I-Banker's Girlfriend

A girl gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is for business class. The girl says, "I'm female, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to see my INVESTMENT BANKER boyfriend in California."

The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The girl says, "I'm female, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to see my investment banker boyfriend in California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the girl and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class.

The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California!"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Hopelessly I-Bankers

Two INVESTMENT BANKERS went to lunch. The one said to the other, “Let’s relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market for once.”

“Good idea. Let’s talk about women.”

“Okay, common or preferred?”


(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Rich Man

There was a girl who had been "dishonored" by an INVESTMENT BANKER. The girl's father, rifle in hand, confronted the investment banker. "You have dishonored my daughter," said the angry father.

"I am a rich man," said the accused and promised to pay for his indiscretion -- $550,000 for a baby boy, $500,000 for a girl.

"What if my daughter has a miscarriage?" demanded the father. "Will you give her another chance?"

Big Time

An INVESTMENT BANKER submitted his expense account. Stabbing at it with his forefinger, the boss demanded, "What's this big item?"

"Oh," said the investment banker, "that's just my hotel bill."

"Well," said the boss, "don't buy any more hotels!"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Long Hours in Investment Banking

Applicant: Before I take this job, tell me, are the hours long in INVESTMENT BANKING?

HR Manager: No, only 60 minutes each.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

A Matter of Professional Courtesy

A priest, a doctor and an INVESTMENT BANKER were boating along the shoreline of shark-infested waters when their outboard motor conked out. The wind and waves buffeted their boat so violently back and forth that a set of oars fell out and drifted away in the current. "one of us will have to swim ashore and go for help," said the doctor.

"I'll do it," said the investment banker and at once dove into the sea and struck out for shore. As the doctor and lawyer watched, the lawyer swam right between the fins of the sharks and reached the beach safely.

"My God," said the priest, "we've seen a miracle!"

"Oh, no," replied the doctor. "It was just a matter of professional courtesy."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Jokes from Oleg Palamarchuk

Finally, someone has responded to my invitation to submit jokes which I can publish on this blog. I'd like to thank Oleg Palamarchuk for the cocktail of jokes that follow:

Financial Jokes from the Outside

* * *
The bell rang and the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk started his lesson:
“Today we will discuss a very important subject. What do I mean? Solve a riddle:
“Many of us have much of this but none of us enough! What is this?”
“Money!” said the children.
“No!” the teacher rejected the answer. “I mean knowledge.”

* * *
“Whom does God love better: the wise or the fools?” a pupil asked the teacher-polyglot.
“God loves all of us equally,” the teacher replied.
“Why do the fools live better than the wise?”
“The wise enjoy wisdom, the fools enjoy money. That’s why God gives wisdom for the wise and money for the fools.”

* * *
One pupil asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Will I become a businessman after graduating from the Institute of International Economics and Management?”
“No!”
“Why?”
“The institute teachers won’t teacher you it, because those who know how to make money will never teach others how to do it.”

* * *
At the English lesson the teacher-polyglot asked his pupil:
“How do you understand the idiom “to work like a horse”?”
“To work like a horse means to earn only for oatmeal,” the pupil replied.

* * *
A boy, who attended the lessons on German conducted by the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk, asked his teacher to clear up him the meaning of two words.
“What does it mean “freedom” and what does it mean “democracy”?”
“How can I explain?” the teacher-polyglot was puzzled.
“Well, freedom is when you stay alone at home. And democracy is when you will have a new father in four or five years.”

* * *
One day a schoolboy asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“What is a law?”
“How can I explain it for you?” the teacher hesitated. “Shortly saying, the law is for fool men!”
“What is for the wise then?”
“The wise men always reach an agreement between each other,” explained the teacher.

* * *
One day in the street the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was stopped by his neighbor, who spent before a TV-set a lot of time.
“Our country is faced with the general crisis once more!” the neighbor began to talk.
“There is no crisis for all,” the teacher objected.
“Some suffer from it, others get profit of it. As to me I have a bad toothache.”
“How do you think it will have ended?”
“I think either my doctor will put in a filling or he will get my tooth out.”

* * *
Once the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was asked:
“What should one do to become a well-known economic expert in the mass media?”
“One must foresee what won’t happen, but if it has happened, one should explain why it mustn’t have happened.
“But, what will be, if he makes a right economic forecast?”
“Then this economist cannot be well-known, otherwise the mass media magnates won’t earn anything on the stock exchange.”

* * *
“What is money in your life?” the students asked the teacher-polyglot.
“Money is solicitudes of my life when I want to buy necessary things. But when I spend my money for unnecessary things or when I don’t spend money at all, it, money, doesn’t trouble me at all.”

* * *
Once a friend asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“How many dollars do you earn a month?”
“I earn many dollars but little money.”

* * *
If you need more jokes, you can visit Oleg's website at: www.oleganekdot.narod.ru

The Bank Robbery

I got this from ABConInvesting.com:

Two stock brokers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two stock brokers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the stock brokers jams something into the other stockbroker's hand. Without looking down, the second stockbroker whispers: "What is this?" The first stockbroker : "It's the $100 I owe you!"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

The Investment Banker and the Wall Street Trader

The advent of computers in the 1970s and 1980s made trading in stocks and bonds profitable business on Wall Street. The rising importance of trading, however, precipitated a culture clash among sophisticated Ivy League-educated investment bankers and the traders, whom the former considered inferior (note: some early traders did not even finish college). Here's a slightly edited joke that captures this, from www.workjoke.com:

An INVESTMENT BANKER and a Wall Street trader went to the races. The trader suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The investment banker was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The trader whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the investment banker.

"You are too theoretical," the trader said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

"What is your secret?" the investmet banker asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."

"But, three and five is eight," the investment banker protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the trader replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Pompous Investment Banker

How media regards investment bankers is best illustrated by this slightly edited joke from www.workjoke.com:

A young INVESTMENT BANKER decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.

The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog".

The investment banker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street investment banker and not a student.

The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous investment banker kills school mascot".

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Materialistic Investment Banker

How materialistic are you? Compare yourself with the investment banker in this slightly edited joke from www.glendaleplus.com:

The very successful INVESTMENT BANKER parked his brand-new BMW in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door to get out, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door of the BMW.

The i-banker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the i-banker started screaming hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the i-banker finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you i-bankers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the i-banker. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"AAHHHHH!" screamed the i-banker. "Where's my Rolex?"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Investment Banker in the Woods

After a long drought, I have an investment banker joke! This came in by e-mail from my frat bro, Cesar from Singapore:

An INVESTMENT BANKER was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing In on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Investment Banker cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The Investment Banker looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Frog, the Investment Banker

Allow me to share with you one of those investment banker jokes from Kyle Adler that I stumbled upon today, to make light of this highly stressful career:

These two women were walking through the forest when they hear this voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog:

"Help me, ladies! I am an INVESTMENT BANKER who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker".

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

Bunker or Banker?

It seems that there are more available plain banker jokes than the highly niched investment banker jokes. So we continue with this take (slightly edited by me) from Michael Finney which appeared in www.rupa.com:

.......as Enron was going down, Chairman Ken Lay was desperately
trying to raise cash.

In a meeting with top BANKERS, Lay presented a list of all the
collateral they had for a new loan. There were pipelines, contracts,
receivables, a half-built plant in India -- quite a list.

But the bankers told him it wasn't enough. "Isn't there ANYTHING
else you own which is fully paid for, that you can put up?

And no one has seen Dick Cheney since.

JFK Jr.'s Lasting Contribution

Since I started this collection, I have been to many nooks and crannies of the Web trying to gather investment banker jokes. Since many truths are said in jest, I'm quite shocked at how some people regard investment bankers. Take this short one from Chuck Clarke at www.rupa.com/pipermail/jokes/1999-July/000370.html:

If you don't think that the JFK Jr. story is important, answer me this:

When was the last time the news led off with the deaths of a publicist, an INVESTMENT BANKER, and a lawyer, and you actually felt sad about it?

(Photo credit: JfkJrOnline.com)

Moses' Mother

I was not able to post yesterday as my family spent most of that day on the road, traveling to Baguio City, the country's summer capital, for our Lenten break. You cannot imagine the volume of traffic going that same way. As there is no internet service where we are holed up in the city of pines, I am posting this in a nearby internet cafe. Here's a short one from http://www.blessingboxcottage.org in keeping with the season:

Moses' Mother was a high ranking INVESTMENT BANKER. How do I know? She reached into the Nile and pulled out a Prophet...

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Password

This is a computer joke that I found from http://www.ajokes.com. It is elegant in its brevity and sense of humor. See why:

I was working in a wall street INVESTMENT BANK when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.

My colleague Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password "Penis."

We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)