More Financial Jokes from Oleg Palamarchuk

Last March, Oleg Palamarchuk was kind enough to share his jokes which I published here. Today, I received another batch of jokes from him. I thanked him profusely for coming to my "rescue"--I haven't posted any new jokes for quite some time now, if you noticed. I'm simply having difficulty collecting original jokes from my usual sources. Here goes Oleg with his jokes:

***

Some teachers were talking about richness, poverty and kindness.
“Only a poor man can be kind - he may share what he possesses with others,” said one woman, who was a true Christian.

“But I have never heard that a rich man would really share his property with others.”
“When you have nothing,” remarked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk. ”You always want to share it with others.”

***

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk came into a bank to get a loan.
“You should have a mortgage or pawn your house or garage, or any other immovable property,” explained a bank expert.

“Can I pawn my old car? It is without its engine, without wheels. This car is a quite immovable property!”

***

One day a post woman, who had brought a letter to the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk, complained to him:

“Can you tell me: how can I live on this miserable postman’s salary?”
“It is hard, but it’s possible. You should have a strong will-power. If you overcome all your wishes you will be able to live. And if you overcome your mind you will be happy as well.”

***

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk called up to one fat businessman:

“I have a proposition for you-”
“Well, tell short,” the businessman interrupted him. “Time is money! I have no time!”
“Contrary to you, I have time but no money,” the teacher informed.
“So, couldn’t you exchange your money for my time?”

***

One day during a lecture the students asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

“Why are there so many opinions among our economic experts about the same problem? If one economist expresses one thought, why does another economist express a quite different one?”

“There are no adherents in the economic prognoses. If one predicts one thing and another predicts the same, who will listen to the latter?”

***

One day the students asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

“What will happen to Ukraine if Russia raises its prices of oil and gas twice as high as they are just now?
“Then only wonder will save us,” replied the teacher.
“Do you think that Ukraine has no chance to be an independent state?”
“Why, no chance?” objected the teacher. “But, wonder!”

***

One businessman addressed the teacher-polyglot for an advice:

“I have a competitor. How can I destroy him without bloodshed?”
“If your competitor is weak, criticize him until he will be broken.”
“What if he is strong?”
“Then you should praise him until he will become a weak one.”

(If you need more jokes, you may visit Oleg's website: www.oleganekdot.narod.ru)

Jokes from Oleg Palamarchuk

Finally, someone has responded to my invitation to submit jokes which I can publish on this blog. I'd like to thank Oleg Palamarchuk for the cocktail of jokes that follow:

Financial Jokes from the Outside

* * *
The bell rang and the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk started his lesson:
“Today we will discuss a very important subject. What do I mean? Solve a riddle:
“Many of us have much of this but none of us enough! What is this?”
“Money!” said the children.
“No!” the teacher rejected the answer. “I mean knowledge.”

* * *
“Whom does God love better: the wise or the fools?” a pupil asked the teacher-polyglot.
“God loves all of us equally,” the teacher replied.
“Why do the fools live better than the wise?”
“The wise enjoy wisdom, the fools enjoy money. That’s why God gives wisdom for the wise and money for the fools.”

* * *
One pupil asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Will I become a businessman after graduating from the Institute of International Economics and Management?”
“No!”
“Why?”
“The institute teachers won’t teacher you it, because those who know how to make money will never teach others how to do it.”

* * *
At the English lesson the teacher-polyglot asked his pupil:
“How do you understand the idiom “to work like a horse”?”
“To work like a horse means to earn only for oatmeal,” the pupil replied.

* * *
A boy, who attended the lessons on German conducted by the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk, asked his teacher to clear up him the meaning of two words.
“What does it mean “freedom” and what does it mean “democracy”?”
“How can I explain?” the teacher-polyglot was puzzled.
“Well, freedom is when you stay alone at home. And democracy is when you will have a new father in four or five years.”

* * *
One day a schoolboy asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“What is a law?”
“How can I explain it for you?” the teacher hesitated. “Shortly saying, the law is for fool men!”
“What is for the wise then?”
“The wise men always reach an agreement between each other,” explained the teacher.

* * *
One day in the street the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was stopped by his neighbor, who spent before a TV-set a lot of time.
“Our country is faced with the general crisis once more!” the neighbor began to talk.
“There is no crisis for all,” the teacher objected.
“Some suffer from it, others get profit of it. As to me I have a bad toothache.”
“How do you think it will have ended?”
“I think either my doctor will put in a filling or he will get my tooth out.”

* * *
Once the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was asked:
“What should one do to become a well-known economic expert in the mass media?”
“One must foresee what won’t happen, but if it has happened, one should explain why it mustn’t have happened.
“But, what will be, if he makes a right economic forecast?”
“Then this economist cannot be well-known, otherwise the mass media magnates won’t earn anything on the stock exchange.”

* * *
“What is money in your life?” the students asked the teacher-polyglot.
“Money is solicitudes of my life when I want to buy necessary things. But when I spend my money for unnecessary things or when I don’t spend money at all, it, money, doesn’t trouble me at all.”

* * *
Once a friend asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“How many dollars do you earn a month?”
“I earn many dollars but little money.”

* * *
If you need more jokes, you can visit Oleg's website at: www.oleganekdot.narod.ru

Anecdotes by Oleg Palamarchuk about Oleg Palamarchuk

I love this interesting smorgasboard of anecdotes on money which I took from . I thought I'd share them with you:

The writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk accompanied one German businessman in his trip to Russia. And at the end of this trip the translator asked the German:

"Do you understand that your company risks much by investing money in the Russian economy? What if Russia will fall in default again and split into parts?

The old Bavarian smiled:

"If Russia split into parts, it will mean that we, Germans or Americans, haven't invested money here in vain."

* * *

The teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk conducted a lesson in German. The topic was economics and bank business.

"What do you think I must do to become a successful banker?" asked a student.

"I can't say what you should do, but I can tell what you shouldn't do. Follow the three rules: first, don't lend money those who don't have any; second, don't lend money those who need it badly; third, don't lend your own money."

* * *

During a lecture the students asked their teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

"Why don't American and European businessmen invest money in the Ukrainian economy?"

"They don't understand our realities. In the USA a businessman should compete for his place under the sun. But in Ukraine, if a businessman wants to earn money, he should find a place in the shadow and doesn't shine," explained the teacher.

* * *

The Ukrainian youth enjoys computers like other young people in the world.

"It was a wise man who created the computer?" expressed his excitement a boy who attended the English course conducted by the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk.

"You are wrong," said the teacher-polyglot. "In this world only God creates; Satan makes up; the Europeans and migrants from Europe into the North America invent; the Russians find; the Chinese compile; and the Jews make a profit on their activity.

* * *

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk met his former school-mate and they had a talk. And the first question was about jobs.

"I am a general director of my own company," praised the school-mate.

"Recently you told me that you were just a director," remarked Oleg Palamarchuk.

"It was earlier, then I was alone, but now I hired a guy, and there are two persons in the company: he is a director, but I am a general director."

* * *

Once a school-girl asked her teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

"Why don't you do business? You know so much! What can you earn by teaching in the country where not so many people want to study?

"To do business in my country", explained Oleg Palamarchuk, "one should be slippery, otherwise one will be caught; one should be hard, otherwise one will be cracked; one should be flexible, otherwise one will be broken. And the main rule of our business: the less you know, the longer you will live. But I know too much to survive in our business."

* * *

One day a friend of the writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk called him up:

"I want to share my joy with you. I have just von 1000 dollars at a lottery."

"OK, give me half the sum and I will share your joy."

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)