Olympic Sport

Q: What is the one thing Wall Street and the Olympics have in common?

A: Synchronized diving.


(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, December 1, 2008)

How Securitization Works

This one came from my email today. Originally titled, "How the bank bailout works," I thought it's more of a securitization joke given the pyramiding aspect of transactions involved, so I re-titled this accordingly:

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

(Photo credit: Google Images)

Survivor Bank

"If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year only two banks will be operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

Then these two banks will merge and it will be called "The Bloody Fucking Bank."


(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, November 26, 2008, as passed on to his e-group by Peter Wallace)

Three Takes On Investment Bankers

How do you define an optimist?

An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

* * *

What's the difference between investment bankers and London pigeons?

The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on a new BMWs.

* * *

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?

A large pizza can still feed a family of four.



(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, Oct. 22, 2008)

MBAs After The Meltdown

Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?

A: To ask for their money back.


(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, Nov. 19, 2008)

It Takes A Thief

Some years ago while Baron Rothschild and a nobleman friend were taking a pleasure trip along the Rhine, a young lad on the boat noticed the end of a silk handkerchief sticking out of Rothschild's pocket.

With visions of the fabulous value of a Rothschild handkerchief, he took the end of the handkerchief and gently tugged at it.

At this point, the nobleman turned to the Baron and whispered: "Baron, that boy beside you is taking your handkerchief."

"Let him alone," said the Baron. "We all had to start small."

A True Blue Investment Banker

A first year investment banking analyst, employed at a relatively modest salary by a Wall Street bank, began conspicuously to lead a rather lavish life, dressing flashily, buying a German sports car, and otherwise giving evidence of sudden wealth.

Finally, the HR manager felt called upon to speak about the matter and asked, "How is it that you, whose salary computes to only $3,000 a week, can spend what must certainly be $5,000 or more dollars a week?"

"Why, it's simple," the investment banking analyst replied unabashed, " there are more than 3,000 employees here and every payday I raffle off my salary at $10 a ticket."

Six Bankers

The following note was found among the effects of a hedge fund partner after his death. He has long been known for his frequent lapses into bankruptcy.

"I hereby name the following six bankers to be my pallbearers. Since they have carried me for so long during my lifetime, they might as well finish the job now."

Take It Easy, Man

A stock broker, suffering a slight nervous breakdown from the Wall Street crash, was taken to a hospital to rest.

While more or less in a daze, he overheard his nurse say, as she handed the patient's chart to the doctor, "Temperature today, 102."

Weakly the broker raised his head and said, "When it reaches 102 1/2, sell," then wearily fell back against his pillow."

(Thanks to Google Images for the above cartoon)

Two Rats--And A Wildcat

Here's a circa 1887 joke about Wall Street from Life, vol. IX, no. 230, p.289. See how amazingly timeless its moral lesson is:

An old rat, whose long residence in the city had given him great knowledge of the wiles of civilized life, observed one evening a tempting bit of cheese close by his favorite hole in the wall.

Instead of greedily rushing at it, he called a young friend, saying, "Whiskerando, some kind person has prepared a feast for us. Help yourself."

The guileless innocent rushed on the cheese, which he devoured voraciously: but, alas! in a few minutes he rolled over on his back, stone dead. The dainty was poisoned.

"My experience in Wall Street has stood me in well," mused the old rat as he turned into his hole: "it is safer to give other folks pointers, and pocket your commission, than to risk your all on a wildcat investment."

(Photo credit: Google Images)

Bush on Bank Closings

Here's a joke from the Jay Leno show:

"You know, I'll tell you, once again, I don't think President Bush gets it. He doesn't really understand economic issues. Like today, he was asked if customers should be concerned by all these bank closings. And Bush said, 'If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM.'"

Like A Baby

The current Wall Street meltdown has frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he was worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the bank failures?”

He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours… I do that a number of times through the night until morning comes.”

(Source: Boo Chanco, Philippine Star)

The Game Of Life

You can't win.

If you don't try and run after money, you lack ambition.

If you run after the money, you're materialistic.

If you don't get it, you're a loser.

If you get it and keep it, you're a miser.

If you get it and spend it, you're a spendthrift.

If you still have it after a lifetime of work, you're a fool who never got any fun out of life.

You just can't win.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

One Percent Only?

Two partners graduated with an MBA at an elite university, then opened a store in the city that failed in a month. A third man who had no schooling bought the store from them and made it a huge success.

The two asked him, "We can't understand it. We studied business but failed. You, who never went to school, are a big success. Why?

"I'll tell you," he said "I buy a thing for one dollar and sell it for two dollars. I'm satisfied with my one percent profit."

World's Oldest Top Recorded Jokes

According to the University of Wolverhampton, a British university, the world's oldest top recorded joke has been traced to a circa 1900 BC saying of the ancient Sumerians, which goes:

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

The second oldest recorded joke is a 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru:

"How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

On the other hand, the oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century:

"What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

(Source: Yahoo! News)

12 Tips From Investment Banking Analysts to Managing Directors

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.


2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.


3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.


4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and this is good training.


5. If you give me more that one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.


6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. Beside, having no life will help prepare me for making partner.


7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.


8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.


9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.


10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deduction powers will identify them.


11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.


12. Tell me all your little problems. None of us have any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Performance Appraisal of an Investment Banking Associate

The Boss asked for a letter describing Steve Jones:

Steve Jones, my INVESTMENT BANKING ASSOCIATE, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Steve works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Steve never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Steve takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Steve is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Steve can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Steve be
promoted to an officer position, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

A Memo was soon sent following the letter:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Old Economst vs. Young Economist

This is a well-worn joke about an old economist and a young economist walking down the street:

The young economist looks down and sees a $20 bill on the street and says, "Hey, look a twenty-dollar bill!"

Without even looking, his older and wiser colleague replies, "Nonsense. If there had been a twenty-dollar lying on the street, someone would have already picked it up by now."

(Photo credit: Google Images)

A Grizzly Tale

Two INVESTMENT BANKERS are sitting around a campfire one night when one decides to ask the other a question:

Investment Banker A: "Buddy, what would you do if a huge Grizzly Bear came crashing through the bushes right now and let out a roar? What would you do?"

Investment Banker B: "Well, I guess I would take off and run like hell."

Investment Banker A (amused at the answer): "Oh yeah? Don't you know that Grizzly Bears can run 35 miles an hour in short bursts? You think you're going to outrun a Grizzly Bear?"

Investment banker B: No, I just have to outrun you."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

More Financial Jokes from Oleg Palamarchuk

Last March, Oleg Palamarchuk was kind enough to share his jokes which I published here. Today, I received another batch of jokes from him. I thanked him profusely for coming to my "rescue"--I haven't posted any new jokes for quite some time now, if you noticed. I'm simply having difficulty collecting original jokes from my usual sources. Here goes Oleg with his jokes:

***

Some teachers were talking about richness, poverty and kindness.
“Only a poor man can be kind - he may share what he possesses with others,” said one woman, who was a true Christian.

“But I have never heard that a rich man would really share his property with others.”
“When you have nothing,” remarked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk. ”You always want to share it with others.”

***

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk came into a bank to get a loan.
“You should have a mortgage or pawn your house or garage, or any other immovable property,” explained a bank expert.

“Can I pawn my old car? It is without its engine, without wheels. This car is a quite immovable property!”

***

One day a post woman, who had brought a letter to the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk, complained to him:

“Can you tell me: how can I live on this miserable postman’s salary?”
“It is hard, but it’s possible. You should have a strong will-power. If you overcome all your wishes you will be able to live. And if you overcome your mind you will be happy as well.”

***

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk called up to one fat businessman:

“I have a proposition for you-”
“Well, tell short,” the businessman interrupted him. “Time is money! I have no time!”
“Contrary to you, I have time but no money,” the teacher informed.
“So, couldn’t you exchange your money for my time?”

***

One day during a lecture the students asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

“Why are there so many opinions among our economic experts about the same problem? If one economist expresses one thought, why does another economist express a quite different one?”

“There are no adherents in the economic prognoses. If one predicts one thing and another predicts the same, who will listen to the latter?”

***

One day the students asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

“What will happen to Ukraine if Russia raises its prices of oil and gas twice as high as they are just now?
“Then only wonder will save us,” replied the teacher.
“Do you think that Ukraine has no chance to be an independent state?”
“Why, no chance?” objected the teacher. “But, wonder!”

***

One businessman addressed the teacher-polyglot for an advice:

“I have a competitor. How can I destroy him without bloodshed?”
“If your competitor is weak, criticize him until he will be broken.”
“What if he is strong?”
“Then you should praise him until he will become a weak one.”

(If you need more jokes, you may visit Oleg's website: www.oleganekdot.narod.ru)

Questions and Answers

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy, and many of them find their way into investment banking. Here are good-natured questions and answers pertaining to their kind:

Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?

A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.

* * *

Q: Why did the market economist cross the road?

A: To reach the consensus forecast.

* * *

Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years.

* * *

Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None - the market has already discounted the change.

* * *

Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?

A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.

* * *

Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.

* * *

Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?

A: Too early to say.

* * *

Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.

* * *

Q: What does an economist use when calculating constant-dollar estimates?

A: Deflator mouse

* * *

Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.

* * *

Q: Why has astrology been invented?

A: So that economics could be more accurate.

* * *

Q: Why did God create economists?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

* * *

Q: What does an economist do?

A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.

* * *

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

* * *

Q: What's the difference between economists and businessmen?

A: The first don't keep their feet on the ground; the latest use to keep their four feet in the ground

* * *

Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?

A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.

* * *

Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's?

A: The economist is the one with the calculator.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Why study Economics?

Many investment bankers have an economics background. So, why did they study economics instead of, say, a business or engineering course? Here are the top reasons to study Economics:

1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."

2. Economists can supply it on demand.

3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.

4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.

5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.

6. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".

7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.

8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.

9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

The I-Banker's Girlfriend

A girl gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is for business class. The girl says, "I'm female, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to see my INVESTMENT BANKER boyfriend in California."

The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The girl says, "I'm female, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to see my investment banker boyfriend in California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the girl and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class.

The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California!"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Hopelessly I-Bankers

Two INVESTMENT BANKERS went to lunch. The one said to the other, “Let’s relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market for once.”

“Good idea. Let’s talk about women.”

“Okay, common or preferred?”


(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Banner Year

The property developer told his banker, "The way things are going, this could be my banner year."

Six months later he hung out the banner: BANKRUPTCY SALE.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Rich Man

There was a girl who had been "dishonored" by an INVESTMENT BANKER. The girl's father, rifle in hand, confronted the investment banker. "You have dishonored my daughter," said the angry father.

"I am a rich man," said the accused and promised to pay for his indiscretion -- $550,000 for a baby boy, $500,000 for a girl.

"What if my daughter has a miscarriage?" demanded the father. "Will you give her another chance?"

Big Time

An INVESTMENT BANKER submitted his expense account. Stabbing at it with his forefinger, the boss demanded, "What's this big item?"

"Oh," said the investment banker, "that's just my hotel bill."

"Well," said the boss, "don't buy any more hotels!"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Firing Line

The tactful boss called the inefficient INVESTMENT BANKING ASSOCIATE to fire him.

"Son," he said, "I don't know how we're ever going to get along without you, but starting Monday we're going to try."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Long Hours in Investment Banking

Applicant: Before I take this job, tell me, are the hours long in INVESTMENT BANKING?

HR Manager: No, only 60 minutes each.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

To Make a Squash

An INVESTMENT BANKER brought his son to the president of a college, and expressed his desire that the boy take a shorter course than the regular one.

"My son can never take all those studies. He wants to get through more quickly. Can't you arrange it for him?," asked the investment banker.

"Oh, yes," replied the president. "He can take a short course. It all depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make an oak he takes a hundred years, but he takes only two months to make a squash."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Tower of Babel

Quiz Master: What was the Tower of Babel?

INVESTMENT BANKER: Wasn't that where Solomon kept his wives

(Photo credit: Ldolphin.org)

Waiter, Please

An INVESTMENT BANKER called the waiter to him and in a raucous voice said, "I want a chicken smothered in gravy."

"If you want it killed in a cruel way like that," said the waiter, "you'll have to do it yourself."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

An Investment Banker in Heaven

A teacher, a doctor and an INVESTMENT BANKER die and are in heaven. God asks the teacher why he should be let into heaven, and the teacher explains to God that he taught small children how to read and write. God says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."

God then asks the doctor what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people's lives by curing their illnesses," the doctor replies. "Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.

God then turns to the investment banker. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that as an investment banker, he helped banks package their subprime mortgages into highly marketable CDOs. "Welcome to heaven, my son," says God, "but you have to leave in two days."

No Copying

Two young MBAs applied for a single position at a Wall Street investment bank. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the HR manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the HR manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the HR manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Silence is Golden

The INVESTMENT BANKER was reproached by a friend who said, "I think it is a shame that you have not spoken to your wife for 15 years. How do you justify it?"

And the investment banker answered, "I don't want to interrupt her."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Affording the Best

The surgeon was discussing a forthcoming operation with a wealthy INVESTMENT BANKER patient. "Would you prefer a local anaesthetic?"

"I can afford the best," replied the investment banker. "Get something imported."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

A Refugee Banker

Accused of deserting his wife, an INVESTMENT BANKER was brought before the judge. After the judge had lectured him severely on the sin and trifling character of desertion, the judge asked the investment banker: "What have you to say?"

"Judge," solemnly answered the investment banker, "You've gotten me wrong. I'm not a deserter. I'm a refugee."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

A Double Whammy

On an airplane flight, an INVESTMENT BANKER seeking an intelligent discussion asked a fellow passenger, "What do you think is the main problem with our society -- ignorance or apathy?"

His fellow passenger replied, "I don't know and I don't care !"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

A Matter of Professional Courtesy

A priest, a doctor and an INVESTMENT BANKER were boating along the shoreline of shark-infested waters when their outboard motor conked out. The wind and waves buffeted their boat so violently back and forth that a set of oars fell out and drifted away in the current. "one of us will have to swim ashore and go for help," said the doctor.

"I'll do it," said the investment banker and at once dove into the sea and struck out for shore. As the doctor and lawyer watched, the lawyer swam right between the fins of the sharks and reached the beach safely.

"My God," said the priest, "we've seen a miracle!"

"Oh, no," replied the doctor. "It was just a matter of professional courtesy."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Two sides of the Balance sheet

Here's another quick one from Vinod Kothari:

There are two sides of the balance sheet - the left side and the right side. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left!

Bernanke Goes to the Barber

I'd like to acknowledge VinodKothari.com for this securitization joke:

Bernanke goes to the barber for the regular haircut.

As usual for barbers, they engage their clients in conversation while cutting hair. But this time, the barber started talking about securitization. "Mr Chairman, what are you doing to promote securitization?", and so on. Bernanke shooed him, but he kept on pestering about securitization.

Anguished, Bernanke says: What do you know about securitization to talk all this rubbish?

The barber said he knows nothing. "All I am doing is my job. As I talk about securitization, your hair straightens upwards. Which makes it easy for me to cut!".

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Jokes from Oleg Palamarchuk

Finally, someone has responded to my invitation to submit jokes which I can publish on this blog. I'd like to thank Oleg Palamarchuk for the cocktail of jokes that follow:

Financial Jokes from the Outside

* * *
The bell rang and the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk started his lesson:
“Today we will discuss a very important subject. What do I mean? Solve a riddle:
“Many of us have much of this but none of us enough! What is this?”
“Money!” said the children.
“No!” the teacher rejected the answer. “I mean knowledge.”

* * *
“Whom does God love better: the wise or the fools?” a pupil asked the teacher-polyglot.
“God loves all of us equally,” the teacher replied.
“Why do the fools live better than the wise?”
“The wise enjoy wisdom, the fools enjoy money. That’s why God gives wisdom for the wise and money for the fools.”

* * *
One pupil asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Will I become a businessman after graduating from the Institute of International Economics and Management?”
“No!”
“Why?”
“The institute teachers won’t teacher you it, because those who know how to make money will never teach others how to do it.”

* * *
At the English lesson the teacher-polyglot asked his pupil:
“How do you understand the idiom “to work like a horse”?”
“To work like a horse means to earn only for oatmeal,” the pupil replied.

* * *
A boy, who attended the lessons on German conducted by the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk, asked his teacher to clear up him the meaning of two words.
“What does it mean “freedom” and what does it mean “democracy”?”
“How can I explain?” the teacher-polyglot was puzzled.
“Well, freedom is when you stay alone at home. And democracy is when you will have a new father in four or five years.”

* * *
One day a schoolboy asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“What is a law?”
“How can I explain it for you?” the teacher hesitated. “Shortly saying, the law is for fool men!”
“What is for the wise then?”
“The wise men always reach an agreement between each other,” explained the teacher.

* * *
One day in the street the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was stopped by his neighbor, who spent before a TV-set a lot of time.
“Our country is faced with the general crisis once more!” the neighbor began to talk.
“There is no crisis for all,” the teacher objected.
“Some suffer from it, others get profit of it. As to me I have a bad toothache.”
“How do you think it will have ended?”
“I think either my doctor will put in a filling or he will get my tooth out.”

* * *
Once the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was asked:
“What should one do to become a well-known economic expert in the mass media?”
“One must foresee what won’t happen, but if it has happened, one should explain why it mustn’t have happened.
“But, what will be, if he makes a right economic forecast?”
“Then this economist cannot be well-known, otherwise the mass media magnates won’t earn anything on the stock exchange.”

* * *
“What is money in your life?” the students asked the teacher-polyglot.
“Money is solicitudes of my life when I want to buy necessary things. But when I spend my money for unnecessary things or when I don’t spend money at all, it, money, doesn’t trouble me at all.”

* * *
Once a friend asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“How many dollars do you earn a month?”
“I earn many dollars but little money.”

* * *
If you need more jokes, you can visit Oleg's website at: www.oleganekdot.narod.ru

Stock Market Terminology

Let me share with you these wacky definitions from an Internet jokebook collected and edited by a fellow Pinoy, Gloria F. Rodriguez. This was published in 2004, but as you can see, it's a timely take on the current state of the global equities market:

BEAR MARKET: A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

BROKER: What my broker has made me.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane, and the disappearance of your money.

CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO: Chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: Corporate fraud officer.

EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.

EBITDA: Earnings before I tricked the damn auditor.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.

MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God.

STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

The Bank Robbery

I got this from ABConInvesting.com:

Two stock brokers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two stock brokers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the stock brokers jams something into the other stockbroker's hand. Without looking down, the second stockbroker whispers: "What is this?" The first stockbroker : "It's the $100 I owe you!"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

The Investment Banker and the Engineer

An investment banker and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The investment banker said, “I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm here because my house and
all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The investment banker looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”" he asked.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Three Wishes

An investment banking analyst, an investment banking associate and their Managing Director are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the ibanking analyst. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the ibanking associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He´s gone.

"OK, you´re up," the Genie says to the MD.

The MD says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

A Brief History of Real Estate Agents

Talk about tongue-in-cheek. I instantly liked this (not so) brief history. Since the world is stuck, for better or worse, with the subprime mess anyway, we might as well get even instead of angry at one of the "usual suspects" through this joke from Kelly's.com:

6 MILLION BC: God searches for a planet to establish life. Encounters real estate agent from "Lucifer's Planets & Gardens" who says "I've got a great deal on a fixer-upper just 90 million miles from the Sun."

5.9 MILLION BC: God buys the Earth and, after the closing, discovers it is a mass of molten goo. Angry, God confronts the agent and banishes him to spend eternity wearing polyester suits.

4 MILLION BC: God creates the ocean and the seas. By accident, a pool of pond scum transforms itself into the National Association of Realtors.

3.5 MILLION BC: God creates Florida.

3.49 MILLION BC: Thousands of real estate agents crawl out of the ocean to scout good condo locations. Market immediately crashes when agents realize that "snow birds" won't be invented for another 2 million years.

3 MILLION BC: A meteor crashes into Earth. The resulting crater creates a giant black hole filled with green ooze. The Multiple Listing Service is born.

2.45 MILLION BC: God makes Adam and Eve. However, delays in constructing Garden of Eden force Adam and Eve to live in an apartment eight months.

244 MILLION BC: Shopping for a move-up garden, Eve visits an Open Garden and encounters a fork-tongued real estate agent who tells her, "Garden, why would you want another one of those? I've got an entire apple orchard you can have real cheap."

243 MILLION BC: Adam and Eve become the first humans to truly understand what it means to buy from a real estate agent.

550 BC: Jealous of rising property values, real estate brokers in Greece devise a way to attack Troy by using a Trojan Horse.

42 BC: Cleopatra decides to build the Pyramids. Real estate agent and builder try to convince her that Squares would be much cheaper.

30 BC: Rome touted as "the hottest housing market in Europe" Thousands of buyers flock in to make deals with real estate agents.

29 BC: Rome real estate crashes. Julius Caesar calls a meeting of his advisors to see what can be done. Chief real estate broker Brutus suggests Caesar tours Rome to inspire consumer confidence. "Just lead the way," Brutus says, "I'll be right behind you."

500 AD: Middle ages bring major real estate slowdown. Agents are forced to take second jobs as undertakers. Scandal breaks out when agents are discovered to be removing gold fillings from dead people.

1308 AD: Real estate agent list a tower in Pisa, Italy as a "one of a kind property. Solid building guaranteed not to lean."

1492 AD: Christopher Columbus lands in America. However, he mistakenly believes he's in India, thanks to a bogus land survey provided by a Spanish real estate broker.

1620 AD: Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. First colonial real estate agent promises Pilgrims that Massachusetts is "always sunny and warm. Never drops below 70 I swear."

1621 AD: Giant blizzard nearly wipes out Pilgrims. Real estate agent is banished to New Jersey.

1626 AD: Manhattan bought for 100 beads and trinkets from the Indians. The Indians' real estate agent takes 6 beads as a commission.

l803 AD: Napoleon shocks and angers French real estate agents when he sells Louisiana to United States without an agent. At 515 million, sets record for largest "FSBO" (for sale by owner) sale in history.

1867 AD: United States purchases Alaska from Russia for 2 an acre, after Russian Czar is given advice by real estate agent that Alaska is "utterly useless" land with no value at all.

Losing Money: a Bull or a Bear

Here's a quickie but timely one from Jokes.net:

"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"

"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Beware of Brokers

Here's a light one from Greekshares.com to make your day (it just did for me today):

The Godfather, accompanied by his stockbroker, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The stockbroker interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The stockbroker, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The stockbroker signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Loan Arithmetic

I'm sure you've come across jokes starring Little Johnny. Here's one from www.penaltychargesforum.co.uk :

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson.

'If you had ten pounds,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight pounds, how much would you have left?'

'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?

'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight pounds, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

P.S. Little Johnny went on to be a successful banker :-)

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

A Penny For Your Sarcasm

Here's something from www.rupa.com about a money issue so I picked it up:

[This is the text of a letter to the editor which was printed
in the Vancouver Sun on January 10, 2002.]

I have just learned that, should they ever want to meet the
conditions for joining the single European currency, citizens
of the United Kingdom can no longer use the phrase "spending
a penny." The correct terminology is now "euronating."

-- Denis Mason, West Vancouver