Friday, February 29, 2008

A Brief History of Real Estate Agents

Talk about tongue-in-cheek. I instantly liked this (not so) brief history. Since the world is stuck, for better or worse, with the subprime mess anyway, we might as well get even instead of angry at one of the "usual suspects" through this joke from Kelly'

6 MILLION BC: God searches for a planet to establish life. Encounters real estate agent from "Lucifer's Planets & Gardens" who says "I've got a great deal on a fixer-upper just 90 million miles from the Sun."

5.9 MILLION BC: God buys the Earth and, after the closing, discovers it is a mass of molten goo. Angry, God confronts the agent and banishes him to spend eternity wearing polyester suits.

4 MILLION BC: God creates the ocean and the seas. By accident, a pool of pond scum transforms itself into the National Association of Realtors.

3.5 MILLION BC: God creates Florida.

3.49 MILLION BC: Thousands of real estate agents crawl out of the ocean to scout good condo locations. Market immediately crashes when agents realize that "snow birds" won't be invented for another 2 million years.

3 MILLION BC: A meteor crashes into Earth. The resulting crater creates a giant black hole filled with green ooze. The Multiple Listing Service is born.

2.45 MILLION BC: God makes Adam and Eve. However, delays in constructing Garden of Eden force Adam and Eve to live in an apartment eight months.

244 MILLION BC: Shopping for a move-up garden, Eve visits an Open Garden and encounters a fork-tongued real estate agent who tells her, "Garden, why would you want another one of those? I've got an entire apple orchard you can have real cheap."

243 MILLION BC: Adam and Eve become the first humans to truly understand what it means to buy from a real estate agent.

550 BC: Jealous of rising property values, real estate brokers in Greece devise a way to attack Troy by using a Trojan Horse.

42 BC: Cleopatra decides to build the Pyramids. Real estate agent and builder try to convince her that Squares would be much cheaper.

30 BC: Rome touted as "the hottest housing market in Europe" Thousands of buyers flock in to make deals with real estate agents.

29 BC: Rome real estate crashes. Julius Caesar calls a meeting of his advisors to see what can be done. Chief real estate broker Brutus suggests Caesar tours Rome to inspire consumer confidence. "Just lead the way," Brutus says, "I'll be right behind you."

500 AD: Middle ages bring major real estate slowdown. Agents are forced to take second jobs as undertakers. Scandal breaks out when agents are discovered to be removing gold fillings from dead people.

1308 AD: Real estate agent list a tower in Pisa, Italy as a "one of a kind property. Solid building guaranteed not to lean."

1492 AD: Christopher Columbus lands in America. However, he mistakenly believes he's in India, thanks to a bogus land survey provided by a Spanish real estate broker.

1620 AD: Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. First colonial real estate agent promises Pilgrims that Massachusetts is "always sunny and warm. Never drops below 70 I swear."

1621 AD: Giant blizzard nearly wipes out Pilgrims. Real estate agent is banished to New Jersey.

1626 AD: Manhattan bought for 100 beads and trinkets from the Indians. The Indians' real estate agent takes 6 beads as a commission.

l803 AD: Napoleon shocks and angers French real estate agents when he sells Louisiana to United States without an agent. At 515 million, sets record for largest "FSBO" (for sale by owner) sale in history.

1867 AD: United States purchases Alaska from Russia for 2 an acre, after Russian Czar is given advice by real estate agent that Alaska is "utterly useless" land with no value at all.

Losing Money: a Bull or a Bear

Here's a quickie but timely one from

"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"

"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

(Photo credit:

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Beware of Brokers

Here's a light one from to make your day (it just did for me today):

The Godfather, accompanied by his stockbroker, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The stockbroker interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The stockbroker, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The stockbroker signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Loan Arithmetic

I'm sure you've come across jokes starring Little Johnny. Here's one from :

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson.

'If you had ten pounds,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight pounds, how much would you have left?'

'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?

'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight pounds, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

P.S. Little Johnny went on to be a successful banker :-)

(Photo credit:

A Penny For Your Sarcasm

Here's something from about a money issue so I picked it up:

[This is the text of a letter to the editor which was printed
in the Vancouver Sun on January 10, 2002.]

I have just learned that, should they ever want to meet the
conditions for joining the single European currency, citizens
of the United Kingdom can no longer use the phrase "spending
a penny." The correct terminology is now "euronating."

-- Denis Mason, West Vancouver

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Bank Reorganization

A man working as a teller in a bank bumped into an old friend of his one day.

Seeing that the bank teller seemed very preoccupied, the friend said, "What is the matter with you?"

"Well, there is a lot of trouble down at the bank. We are going through a complete reorganization."


"It seems that we had more vice-presidents than depositors," replied the bank teller as he walked away.

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

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