Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Always Pay Your Debt

The train ame to a sudden stop. People started to look out of the window and then, hurriedly dropped back into their seats as they saw that the cause of the stop was a hold-up.

The robbers came through the train ruthlessly stripping the money, jewels and valuables from the passengers.

One man seemed to become more and more nervous as the bandits approached the seat where he sat with his friend.

Finally, drawing a ten-dollar bill from his pocket he leaned toward his friend and said, "Here, Jerry. Here's the ten dollars I owe you."

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Thursday, September 6, 2007

The Quintessential Banker

The famous French satirical writer, Voltaire, was worth $500,000 at the age of 40. But he did not earn his money from books. He made most of it by lending money to needy noblemen.

He would lend an heir to an estate a larger sum on condition that he would pay him 10% interest on the amount as long as both of them lived. The heir would be neither required nor allowed to pay off the principal; and the agreement ended only when Voltaire died.

Voltaire picked only younger men and, because of his tubercular appearance, had no difficulty in getting clients. It is said that when a prospective buyer hestitated, the satirist would cough in a way that always closed the deal.

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Monday, September 3, 2007

In the Beginning

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a citation from the regulatory board.

God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!" Immediately, the regulatory board demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that a building permit would be obtained, that there would be conservation of energy, and that the light would be out half the time.

God agreed and offered to call the light "day" and the darkness "night." The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, with plants yielding seed and fruit trees bearing fruit." The advisory board agreed, so long as only native seed was used

And everything was OK — until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the applications and environmental impact statement. After that would be a public hearing. Then it would be 10-12 months before ...

At this point, God created hell.

--Copyright J, the Jewish news weekly of Northern California

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Cash Is King

Those who believe in a strictly cash business have as their shining example the small son of a mountaineer, who was accosted by a revenuer.

"Where's your pappy?" asked the officer.

"Pappy's up at the still."

"Where's your mother?"

"She's up at the still too."

"I'll give you a dollar," said the officer, "if you'll take me up there."

"All right," said the boy, "give me the dollar."

"No, sir, mister, give it to me now," insisted the boy. "You ain't a-comin' back."

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Monday, August 27, 2007

Father’s Occupation

Upon being questioned as to the occupation of his father, the young man replied, "He cleans out the bank."

"Janitor or president?" was the final question.

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Positive Identification

Pausing for a moment before completing the transaction before him, the teller in the bank peered at the young lady and asked, "I'm sure that this check is all right, but could you show me some positive identification?"

The young lady seemed about to turn away; then, in a faltering tone, she said, "I have a mole on my thigh just above the knee."

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for all Occasions"

Thursday, August 23, 2007

No Funds

Returning home one evening, a father was acosted by his daughter in the hallway of their home.

Indignantly, the daughter said, "Father, why in the world did you tell me to put my money in such a bank? Why, it's absolutely on the rocks."

"What," said her father, "why that's one of the strongest banks in the country. What do you mean by such a statement?"

Waving a check in the air, his daughter replied, "Look at this. It's my check for $25.00 and it was returned today by the bank and marked 'NO FUNDS'."

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Why Lose Sleep?

Charles Fox, the English Statesman, once received a severe reprehension from his father who asked him how it was possible for him to sleep, or enjoy any of the comforts of life, when he thought about the immense sums he owed.

"Your lordship need not be in the least surprised," answered Charles; "your astonishment ought to be how my creditors can sleep."

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Why Should I Pay?

Richard Brinsley Sheridan, the playwright, wit and spendthrift, being dunned by a tailor to pay at least the interest on his bill, answered: "It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principle to pay the interest."

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Monday, August 20, 2007

Do You Know How to Indorse a Check?

A young bride walked into a bank to cash a check. She was somewhat taken aback when the clerk informed her that the check would have to be indorsed by her before it could be cashed.

"Why, it's a good check. My husband sent it to me. He's away on business."

"Yes, madam, it's perfectly all right. But, please sign it on the back so that your husband will know that you got the money."

The bride walked to the writing desk, seemed to be lost in deep contemplation for a moment, and then returned to the teller's window and handed the check to him.

Great was his surprise when he saw scrawled across the back of the check: "Your loving wife, Ethel."

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Iraqi Banking

Did you check when my last post was? Well, I can't believe it myself but I'm finding it hard to find quality BANKER jokes on the Web. I stumbled upon this one from www.basicjokes.com. Pardon me, guys, if this has some racial content. I told you, there are not that many good banker jokes around:

An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.

"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"

The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg. hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.

After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"

The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Sunday, July 1, 2007

The Investment Banker and the Wall Street Trader

The advent of computers in the 1970s and 1980s made trading in stocks and bonds profitable business on Wall Street. The rising importance of trading, however, precipitated a culture clash among sophisticated Ivy League-educated investment bankers and the traders, whom the former considered inferior (note: some early traders did not even finish college). Here's a slightly edited joke that captures this, from www.workjoke.com:

An INVESTMENT BANKER and a Wall Street trader went to the races. The trader suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The investment banker was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The trader whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the investment banker.

"You are too theoretical," the trader said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

"What is your secret?" the investmet banker asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."

"But, three and five is eight," the investment banker protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the trader replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Lending to Goliath

I guess we all know who Goliath is. The one slew by David, you know. Now, how would you like dealing with him in biblical times? That's a brilliant idea and is the subject of this joke from www.less-stress.com:

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

(Photo credit: CC-Art.com)

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Anecdotes by Oleg Palamarchuk about Oleg Palamarchuk

I love this interesting smorgasboard of anecdotes on money which I took from . I thought I'd share them with you:

The writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk accompanied one German businessman in his trip to Russia. And at the end of this trip the translator asked the German:
"Do you understand that your company risks much by investing money in the Russian economy? What if Russia will fall in default again and split into parts?
The old Bavarian smiled:
"If Russia split into parts, it will mean that we, Germans or Americans, haven't invested money here in vain."
* * *

The teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk conducted a lesson in German. The topic was economics and bank business.

"What do you think I must do to become a successful banker?" asked a student.

"I can't say what you should do, but I can tell what you shouldn't do. Follow the three rules: first, don't lend money those who don't have any; second, don't lend money those who need it badly; third, don't lend your own money."

* * *

During a lecture the students asked their teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
"Why don't American and European businessmen invest money in the Ukrainian economy?"

"They don't understand our realities. In the USA a businessman should compete for his place under the sun. But in Ukraine, if a businessman wants to earn money, he should find a place in the shadow and doesn't shine," explained the teacher.

* * *

The Ukrainian youth enjoys computers like other young people in the world.

"It was a wise man who created the computer?" expressed his excitement a boy who attended the English course conducted by the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk.

"You are wrong," said the teacher-polyglot. "In this world only God creates; Satan makes up; the Europeans and migrants from Europe into the North America invent; the Russians find; the Chinese compile; and the Jews make a profit on their activity.

* * *

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk met his former school-mate and they had a talk. And the first question was about jobs.

"I am a general director of my own company," praised the school-mate.

"Recently you told me that you were just a director," remarked Oleg Palamarchuk.

"It was earlier, then I was alone, but now I hired a guy, and there are two persons in the company: he is a director, but I am a general director."

* * *

Once a school-girl asked her teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

"Why don't you do business? You know so much! What can you earn by teaching in the country where not so many people want to study?

"To do business in my country", explained Oleg Palamarchuk, "one should be slippery, otherwise one will be caught; one should be hard, otherwise one will be cracked; one should be flexible, otherwise one will be broken. And the main rule of our business: the less you know, the longer you will live. But I know too much to survive in our business."

* * *

One day a friend of the writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk called him up:

"I want to share my joy with you. I have just von 1000 dollars at a lottery."

"OK, give me half the sum and I will share your joy."

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Some Classic Banker Jokes from L. William Sediman

L.William Sediman was the Chairman of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC). Among the classic bankers' jokes attributed to him are the following:

On The World Bank's blank cheque aids

"I was there for the World Bank and we had $2 billion to spend, and if you want to really be treated royally, just wander through Russia with $2 billion that you can provide them... I got so full of caviar that I couldn't look at a fish egg again."
On the Russian lending problem

"I went into one small bank and there were three or four of the tougher looking Russians sitting around with AK47s and I said, I know that crime is awful around here, but do you need to have a real army here to defend this small of a bank? They said, well, they are not here to defend the bank, those are the people who collect our loans."
On the Japan banking problem

"A doctor calls up his patient and says, I have bad news for you and worse news for you. You have only 24 hours to live. The patient says, oh, that's terrible. What could be worse news? The doctor says, I've been trying to get you since yesterday."

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Merchant Banker

Here's a slightly edited banker joke from www.fortunecity.co.uk which highlights one of the inherent risks of modern information technology in banking operations and an excellent illustration as well of Murphy's Law at work:

The National Westminster Bank admitted recently that it keeps personal information about its customers - such as their political affiliation - on computer.

But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.

The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard. Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard." The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Friday, June 1, 2007

The Iconic Toaster

Banks ocassionally launch marketing campaigns to generate deposits. Toasters seem to be a favorite give-away in these promos because it's cheap but at the same time highly utilitarian. Here are a couple of banker jokes from http://www.antion.com about this icononic give-away product:

Children are stupid. That's why they're in school. I'd lecture for an hour about percentages and interest rates and at the end I'd ask one simple question, "You put ten grand in a BANK for one year at 5 percent and what do you get?" Some kid would always yell out, "A toaster."

* * *

Three stages of BANK failure:
1. Concern--that's when they put a limit on withdrawals.
2. Panic--that's when they put a moratorium on withdrawals
3. Desperation--that's when they call you up and ask for their toaster back.

* * *

You can tell when you're in trouble--the BANK sends somebody to repossess your toaster.

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Mixed Messages

Thanks for www.officediversions.com for these banker jokes:

THE young woman who entered our BANK to cash a check looked so hesitant that I went to help her. "Please sign the back of the check," I told her, "as you'd sign a letter." She looked at me gratefully, scribbled on the check and passed it to me. Signed on the back was: "Yours affectionately, Pamela."

* * *

FIRST National Bank of Washington Ill., tried to encourage business through billboard advertising, but conveyed quite a different message when the following ad was displayed: "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Pompous Investment Banker

How media regards investment bankers is best illustrated by this slightly edited joke from www.workjoke.com:

A young INVESTMENT BANKER decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.

The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog".

The investment banker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street investment banker and not a student.

The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous investment banker kills school mascot".

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Materialistic Investment Banker

How materialistic are you? Compare yourself with the investment banker in this slightly edited joke from www.glendaleplus.com:

The very successful INVESTMENT BANKER parked his brand-new BMW in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door to get out, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door of the BMW.

The i-banker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the i-banker started screaming hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the i-banker finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you i-bankers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the i-banker. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"AAHHHHH!" screamed the i-banker. "Where's my Rolex?"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Bullet Proof

In a bank, a teller's job is among the more stressful ones. This joke from www.jokesmagazine.com gives an excellent example why:

The speaker at my BANK'S drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers.

One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out, and smacked the glass in front of my face. "I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled.

There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern. "It is," I yelled back.

"Good," she continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that damn speaker fixed!"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Saturday, May 19, 2007

My Father Is A Banker

Little Johnny stars again in this joke from www.jokesmagazine.com :

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Lost In Translation

This is more of a lawyer joke but since banks are involved here and, most of all, I personally like it, I decided to borrow this joke from Less-stress.com:

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing BANKS in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Friday, May 11, 2007

I'm Not Supertitious

Here's a threesome of BANK jokes from www.funinvest1.com for your wind-down Friday:

A young college grad applied for a job with a BANK. The personnel officer asked, "What kind of job do you want?"

"I'll take vice-president for a start."

"We already have twelve vice-presidents."

"That's OK. I'm not superstitious."

* * *

I never knew why BANKS called them "personal loans." I missed three payments and boy did they get personal.

* * *

The BANK clerk reminded the customer that he forgot to dot the "I" in his signature. The customer said, "Can't you do that for me?" The teller replied, "Sorry sir. It must be in the same handwriting."

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Fast-track to Become a World Bank Vice-President

Building a banking career anywhere takes time and is normally hard work. But some lucky few can cut corners. Like this joke from www.intentblog.com :

A Conversation between a man with the initial W & his son

W: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
W: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."?
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"?

Next W approaches Bill Gates:

W: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
W: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally W goes to see the president of the World Bank.

W: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
W: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Who To Marry

I was not in the MySpace loop recently because of work. To compensate for that, here's a little puzzle for your entertainment, courtesy of www.greekshares.com (with minor editing):

There was an INVESTMENT BANKER who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the investor, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and then decided. QUESTION: Who did the investment banker marry?

ANSWER: (read from right to left) !stit tseggib eht htiw eno ehT

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Friday, May 4, 2007

Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The BANKERS are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The BANKERS are Italian.

(Courtesy of www.less-stress.com)

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Banking for Red Indians

If you've ever served in a bank dealing with customers from all walks of life, you'd know how stressful this kind of work could be. I had personally experienced this kind of work, although briefly, as part of our on-the-job module for a management training program when I was still rising up the corporate ladder as a junior bank officer. Here's a joke from www.jokesmagazine.com that illustrates how difficult it is to deal with customers who are not financially sophisticated but whom you have to deal with as part of the job:

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local BANKER. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Tough Account

Even if it were the last job on earth, I wouldn't dream of becoming a loan collector. It's a hassle, to say the least. Here's a slightly edited joke from www.workjoke.com which shares a strategy for collecting on tough accounts:

Jones applied to a BANK for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Banker's Banker

It is said that the development of California's agricultural and motion picture industries can be attributed to Amadeo Peter Giannini's liberal credit policies. Giannini's father, a farmer, died when A.P. was only seven--in a fight over a dollar. Let's have this joke about the man from www.anecdotage.com :

Giannini (whose Bank of America National Trust and Savings Association weathered the Depression and became the largest privately owned bank in the world) asked a distinguished looking grey-haired gentleman to get him a taxi.

When the man dutifully obliged, Giannini gave him a quarter. The recipient, clearly embarrassed, explained that he was the head of the Los Angeles Bank of America. Giannini duly apologised, took back the quarter, and gave him a dollar.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Investment Banker in the Woods

After a long drought, I have an investment banker joke! This came in by e-mail from my frat bro, Cesar from Singapore:

An INVESTMENT BANKER was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing In on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Investment Banker cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The Investment Banker looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Watch Your Language

How often have you heard it said that the customer is always right? Well, this banker joke from www.workjoke.com points in that similar direction:

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the BANK MANAGER and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Banker and Banks

For a change, I have here a 4-joke cocktail from www.chat11.com for your entertainment:

Burglars entered a bank, tied and gagged the cashier and rifled the safe. As they were about to leave, the cashier made desperate pleading sounds. Curious, one of the robbers loosened the gag. "Please! Take the books too! I'm $7500 short!"

* * *

Beggar: Please sir, may I have a coin?

Banker: I don't have any change right now. I'll give it to you next time.

Beggar: Sir, that's the kind of credit that had made me bankrupt.

* * *

Q: Whats the similarity between a bank and sex?

A: In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.

* * *

A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify yourself ?" asked the Cashier. The woman looked into a small mirror and said : "Yes, it's me alright!"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Remedy for Hiccups

I have a BANKER joke here from http://www.becquet.com which illustrates that even hiccups are just a state of mind. See how a change in concentration works:

WHILE waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened.

The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Monday, April 23, 2007

The Frog and the Banker

The next joke from www.planetmike.com is something I can appreciate because I'm a baby boomer. I'm not sure how much the younger generation know about the singing groups in the 60s and 70s for them to get the humor here. Anyhow, here goes:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $33,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $33,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny, pink, porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

Frog, the Investment Banker

Allow me to share with you one of those investment banker jokes from Kyle Adler that I stumbled upon today, to make light of this highly stressful career:

These two women were walking through the forest when they hear this voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog:

"Help me, ladies! I am an INVESTMENT BANKER who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker".

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Rolls Royce

There is no shortage of creative people in this world. You're familiar with the phrase "eating your cake and having it too"? Well, take a look at this joke from Jokes.maxabout.com and pick up an idea you could try out yourself when the opportunity presents itself in the future:

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank''s underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"

The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Quick Banker Jokes

Here's an excellent cocktail of quick BANKER jokes from www.jokesmagazine.com for your weekend relaxation:

If bankers can count, how come the average bank has 10 windows and only four tellers?

Because if they were gone longer you would have to retrain them.

What do they call a Banker with half a brain?


What do you call 10 Bankers sitting in a circle?

Dope Ring.

How do you make a Banker laugh on Tuesday?

Tell a joke on Monday.

How many Bankers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Sixteen. One to stir the dough and 15 to peel the M&Ms.

What did the Banker call his pet Zebra?


What is the difference between Big Foot and a socially responsible banker?

Big Foot has been sighted.

How do you confuse a Banker?

Give him a bag of M&M's and tell him to alphabetize them.

Two Bankers going to Disneyland saw a roadsign that said "Disneyland Left..."

so they turned around and went back home.

What did the Banker yell in an emergency?

"What's the number for 911?"

Why did the banker have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?

From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Friday, April 20, 2007

Advice for Bank Robbers

Bank robbers are despicable people and should be placed behind bars pronto. I am borrowing this excellent post from www.officediversions.com not to forewarn and help them (they 're not bloggers, are they?), but to show just how clumsy they could get:

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an article titled "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N. Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon. "

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Bank Pouch

I instantly liked this BANKER joke from www.officediversions.com. Judge for yourself:

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president. "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 a.m. today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.

(Photo credit: Flickr.com)

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Einstein in Heaven

Albert Einstein is one of my personal favorites. In fact, I haven't finished reading a book on him yet which I bought recently. With this joke, however, taken from http://www.love-making-tips.com I might change my mind about him, LOL:

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

A Fast Banker

There is such a thing as confidentiality of deposits. However, bankers have eyes so they can see how much you got there. Here's a joke to that effect taken from www.love-making-tips.com:

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the BANK where your father has his account."

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

That's a Lot of Bull

Once in a while, I come across jokes like this from http://www.jokeathon.com. Go figure it out:

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the BANKER who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Monday, April 16, 2007

Bunker or Banker?

It seems that there are more available plain banker jokes than the highly niched investment banker jokes. So we continue with this take (slightly edited by me) from Michael Finney which appeared in www.rupa.com:

.......as Enron was going down, Chairman Ken Lay was desperately
trying to raise cash.

In a meeting with top BANKERS, Lay presented a list of all the
collateral they had for a new loan. There were pipelines, contracts,
receivables, a half-built plant in India -- quite a list.

But the bankers told him it wasn't enough. "Isn't there ANYTHING
else you own which is fully paid for, that you can put up?

And no one has seen Dick Cheney since.

Whose Problem Is It?

This one's part of the BANKER JOKES collection of www.workjoke.com but if you ask me, I think there's more truth here than humor:

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Friday, April 13, 2007

God and a Banker

I know, I know what the Ten Commandments say. But, in the spirit of fun, allow me to post this one from www.jokesmagazine.com :

A tape of God talking to a BANKER:

Banker: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Banker: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Banker: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second...

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Suit with No Pockets

This is bad. I've been searching for days for more investment banker jokes but I can't seem to find new ones. There are simply too many sites posting the same jokes that I have already here. Worse, some (actually, many) jokes sites employ "dirty tricks" obviously intended to increase pageviews. I won't mention them just to keep the peace. But if you are one who constantly searches for new investment banker jokes like me, I'm sure you'll stumble upon these sites I'm alluding to sooner or later.

Although there is a scarcity of investment banker jokes, the show must go on. So, let's move on to plain banker jokes, starting with this one from www.workjoke.com :

A young BANKER decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Sunday, April 8, 2007

JFK Jr.'s Lasting Contribution

Since I started this collection, I have been to many nooks and crannies of the Web trying to gather investment banker jokes. Since many truths are said in jest, I'm quite shocked at how some people regard investment bankers. Take this short one from Chuck Clarke at www.rupa.com/pipermail/jokes/1999-July/000370.html:

If you don't think that the JFK Jr. story is important, answer me this:

When was the last time the news led off with the deaths of a publicist, an INVESTMENT BANKER, and a lawyer, and you actually felt sad about it?

(Photo credit: JfkJrOnline.com)

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Moses' Mother

I was not able to post yesterday as my family spent most of that day on the road, traveling to Baguio City, the country's summer capital, for our Lenten break. You cannot imagine the volume of traffic going that same way. As there is no internet service where we are holed up in the city of pines, I am posting this in a nearby internet cafe. Here's a short one from http://www.blessingboxcottage.org in keeping with the season:

Moses' Mother was a high ranking INVESTMENT BANKER. How do I know? She reached into the Nile and pulled out a Prophet...

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Wednesday, April 4, 2007


This is a computer joke that I found from http://www.ajokes.com. It is elegant in its brevity and sense of humor. See why:

I was working in a wall street INVESTMENT BANK when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.

My colleague Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password "Penis."

We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:


(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

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