It Takes A Thief

Some years ago while Baron Rothschild and a nobleman friend were taking a pleasure trip along the Rhine, a young lad on the boat noticed the end of a silk handkerchief sticking out of Rothschild's pocket.

With visions of the fabulous value of a Rothschild handkerchief, he took the end of the handkerchief and gently tugged at it.

At this point, the nobleman turned to the Baron and whispered: "Baron, that boy beside you is taking your handkerchief."

"Let him alone," said the Baron. "We all had to start small."

Six Bankers

The following note was found among the effects of a hedge fund partner after his death. He has long been known for his frequent lapses into bankruptcy.

"I hereby name the following six bankers to be my pallbearers. Since they have carried me for so long during my lifetime, they might as well finish the job now."

A Matter of Professional Courtesy

A priest, a doctor and an INVESTMENT BANKER were boating along the shoreline of shark-infested waters when their outboard motor conked out. The wind and waves buffeted their boat so violently back and forth that a set of oars fell out and drifted away in the current. "one of us will have to swim ashore and go for help," said the doctor.

"I'll do it," said the investment banker and at once dove into the sea and struck out for shore. As the doctor and lawyer watched, the lawyer swam right between the fins of the sharks and reached the beach safely.

"My God," said the priest, "we've seen a miracle!"

"Oh, no," replied the doctor. "It was just a matter of professional courtesy."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

A Brief History of Real Estate Agents

Talk about tongue-in-cheek. I instantly liked this (not so) brief history. Since the world is stuck, for better or worse, with the subprime mess anyway, we might as well get even instead of angry at one of the "usual suspects" through this joke from Kelly's.com:

6 MILLION BC: God searches for a planet to establish life. Encounters real estate agent from "Lucifer's Planets & Gardens" who says "I've got a great deal on a fixer-upper just 90 million miles from the Sun."

5.9 MILLION BC: God buys the Earth and, after the closing, discovers it is a mass of molten goo. Angry, God confronts the agent and banishes him to spend eternity wearing polyester suits.

4 MILLION BC: God creates the ocean and the seas. By accident, a pool of pond scum transforms itself into the National Association of Realtors.

3.5 MILLION BC: God creates Florida.

3.49 MILLION BC: Thousands of real estate agents crawl out of the ocean to scout good condo locations. Market immediately crashes when agents realize that "snow birds" won't be invented for another 2 million years.

3 MILLION BC: A meteor crashes into Earth. The resulting crater creates a giant black hole filled with green ooze. The Multiple Listing Service is born.

2.45 MILLION BC: God makes Adam and Eve. However, delays in constructing Garden of Eden force Adam and Eve to live in an apartment eight months.

244 MILLION BC: Shopping for a move-up garden, Eve visits an Open Garden and encounters a fork-tongued real estate agent who tells her, "Garden, why would you want another one of those? I've got an entire apple orchard you can have real cheap."

243 MILLION BC: Adam and Eve become the first humans to truly understand what it means to buy from a real estate agent.

550 BC: Jealous of rising property values, real estate brokers in Greece devise a way to attack Troy by using a Trojan Horse.

42 BC: Cleopatra decides to build the Pyramids. Real estate agent and builder try to convince her that Squares would be much cheaper.

30 BC: Rome touted as "the hottest housing market in Europe" Thousands of buyers flock in to make deals with real estate agents.

29 BC: Rome real estate crashes. Julius Caesar calls a meeting of his advisors to see what can be done. Chief real estate broker Brutus suggests Caesar tours Rome to inspire consumer confidence. "Just lead the way," Brutus says, "I'll be right behind you."

500 AD: Middle ages bring major real estate slowdown. Agents are forced to take second jobs as undertakers. Scandal breaks out when agents are discovered to be removing gold fillings from dead people.

1308 AD: Real estate agent list a tower in Pisa, Italy as a "one of a kind property. Solid building guaranteed not to lean."

1492 AD: Christopher Columbus lands in America. However, he mistakenly believes he's in India, thanks to a bogus land survey provided by a Spanish real estate broker.

1620 AD: Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. First colonial real estate agent promises Pilgrims that Massachusetts is "always sunny and warm. Never drops below 70 I swear."

1621 AD: Giant blizzard nearly wipes out Pilgrims. Real estate agent is banished to New Jersey.

1626 AD: Manhattan bought for 100 beads and trinkets from the Indians. The Indians' real estate agent takes 6 beads as a commission.

l803 AD: Napoleon shocks and angers French real estate agents when he sells Louisiana to United States without an agent. At 515 million, sets record for largest "FSBO" (for sale by owner) sale in history.

1867 AD: United States purchases Alaska from Russia for 2 an acre, after Russian Czar is given advice by real estate agent that Alaska is "utterly useless" land with no value at all.

Losing Money: a Bull or a Bear

Here's a quickie but timely one from Jokes.net:

"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"

"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Beware of Brokers

Here's a light one from Greekshares.com to make your day (it just did for me today):

The Godfather, accompanied by his stockbroker, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The stockbroker interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The stockbroker, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The stockbroker signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The stockbroker interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Loan Arithmetic

I'm sure you've come across jokes starring Little Johnny. Here's one from www.penaltychargesforum.co.uk :

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson.

'If you had ten pounds,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight pounds, how much would you have left?'

'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?

'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight pounds, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

P.S. Little Johnny went on to be a successful banker :-)

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

A Penny For Your Sarcasm

Here's something from www.rupa.com about a money issue so I picked it up:

[This is the text of a letter to the editor which was printed
in the Vancouver Sun on January 10, 2002.]

I have just learned that, should they ever want to meet the
conditions for joining the single European currency, citizens
of the United Kingdom can no longer use the phrase "spending
a penny." The correct terminology is now "euronating."

-- Denis Mason, West Vancouver

Bank Reorganization

A man working as a teller in a bank bumped into an old friend of his one day.

Seeing that the bank teller seemed very preoccupied, the friend said, "What is the matter with you?"

"Well, there is a lot of trouble down at the bank. We are going through a complete reorganization."

"Why?"

"It seems that we had more vice-presidents than depositors," replied the bank teller as he walked away.


--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Always Pay Your Debt

The train ame to a sudden stop. People started to look out of the window and then, hurriedly dropped back into their seats as they saw that the cause of the stop was a hold-up.

The robbers came through the train ruthlessly stripping the money, jewels and valuables from the passengers.

One man seemed to become more and more nervous as the bandits approached the seat where he sat with his friend.

Finally, drawing a ten-dollar bill from his pocket he leaned toward his friend and said, "Here, Jerry. Here's the ten dollars I owe you."

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

The Quintessential Banker

The famous French satirical writer, Voltaire, was worth $500,000 at the age of 40. But he did not earn his money from books. He made most of it by lending money to needy noblemen.

He would lend an heir to an estate a larger sum on condition that he would pay him 10% interest on the amount as long as both of them lived. The heir would be neither required nor allowed to pay off the principal; and the agreement ended only when Voltaire died.

Voltaire picked only younger men and, because of his tubercular appearance, had no difficulty in getting clients. It is said that when a prospective buyer hestitated, the satirist would cough in a way that always closed the deal.

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

In the Beginning

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a citation from the regulatory board.

God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!" Immediately, the regulatory board demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that a building permit would be obtained, that there would be conservation of energy, and that the light would be out half the time.

God agreed and offered to call the light "day" and the darkness "night." The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, with plants yielding seed and fruit trees bearing fruit." The advisory board agreed, so long as only native seed was used

And everything was OK — until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the applications and environmental impact statement. After that would be a public hearing. Then it would be 10-12 months before ...

At this point, God created hell.

--Copyright J, the Jewish news weekly of Northern California

Cash Is King

Those who believe in a strictly cash business have as their shining example the small son of a mountaineer, who was accosted by a revenuer.

"Where's your pappy?" asked the officer.

"Pappy's up at the still."

"Where's your mother?"

"She's up at the still too."

"I'll give you a dollar," said the officer, "if you'll take me up there."

"All right," said the boy, "give me the dollar."

"No, sir, mister, give it to me now," insisted the boy. "You ain't a-comin' back."


--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Father’s Occupation

Upon being questioned as to the occupation of his father, the young man replied, "He cleans out the bank."

"Janitor or president?" was the final question.


--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Positive Identification

Pausing for a moment before completing the transaction before him, the teller in the bank peered at the young lady and asked, "I'm sure that this check is all right, but could you show me some positive identification?"

The young lady seemed about to turn away; then, in a faltering tone, she said, "I have a mole on my thigh just above the knee."


--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for all Occasions"

No Funds

Returning home one evening, a father was acosted by his daughter in the hallway of their home.

Indignantly, the daughter said, "Father, why in the world did you tell me to put my money in such a bank? Why, it's absolutely on the rocks."

"What," said her father, "why that's one of the strongest banks in the country. What do you mean by such a statement?"

Waving a check in the air, his daughter replied, "Look at this. It's my check for $25.00 and it was returned today by the bank and marked 'NO FUNDS'."

--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Why Lose Sleep?

Charles Fox, the English Statesman, once received a severe reprehension from his father who asked him how it was possible for him to sleep, or enjoy any of the comforts of life, when he thought about the immense sums he owed.

"Your lordship need not be in the least surprised," answered Charles; "your astonishment ought to be how my creditors can sleep."


--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Why Should I Pay?

Richard Brinsley Sheridan, the playwright, wit and spendthrift, being dunned by a tailor to pay at least the interest on his bill, answered: "It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principle to pay the interest."


--Edmund Fuller (ed.), "2500 Anecdotes for All Occasions"

Do You Know How to Indorse a Check?

A young bride walked into a bank to cash a check. She was somewhat taken aback when the clerk informed her that the check would have to be indorsed by her before it could be cashed.

"Why, it's a good check. My husband sent it to me. He's away on business."

"Yes, madam, it's perfectly all right. But, please sign it on the back so that your husband will know that you got the money."

The bride walked to the writing desk, seemed to be lost in deep contemplation for a moment, and then returned to the teller's window and handed the check to him.

Great was his surprise when he saw scrawled across the back of the check: "Your loving wife, Ethel."

Iraqi Banking

Did you check when my last post was? Well, I can't believe it myself but I'm finding it hard to find quality BANKER jokes on the Web. I stumbled upon this one from www.basicjokes.com. Pardon me, guys, if this has some racial content. I told you, there are not that many good banker jokes around:

An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.

"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"

The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg. hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.

After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"

The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)