Firing Line

The tactful boss called the inefficient INVESTMENT BANKING ASSOCIATE to fire him.

"Son," he said, "I don't know how we're ever going to get along without you, but starting Monday we're going to try."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Long Hours in Investment Banking

Applicant: Before I take this job, tell me, are the hours long in INVESTMENT BANKING?

HR Manager: No, only 60 minutes each.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Frog, the Investment Banker

Allow me to share with you one of those investment banker jokes from Kyle Adler that I stumbled upon today, to make light of this highly stressful career:

These two women were walking through the forest when they hear this voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog:

"Help me, ladies! I am an INVESTMENT BANKER who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker".

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

Moses' Mother

I was not able to post yesterday as my family spent most of that day on the road, traveling to Baguio City, the country's summer capital, for our Lenten break. You cannot imagine the volume of traffic going that same way. As there is no internet service where we are holed up in the city of pines, I am posting this in a nearby internet cafe. Here's a short one from http://www.blessingboxcottage.org in keeping with the season:

Moses' Mother was a high ranking INVESTMENT BANKER. How do I know? She reached into the Nile and pulled out a Prophet...

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Password

This is a computer joke that I found from http://www.ajokes.com. It is elegant in its brevity and sense of humor. See why:

I was working in a wall street INVESTMENT BANK when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.

My colleague Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password "Penis."

We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Lottery Winner

Here's a short one from www.toyshipgames.com that needs no annotation:

Did you hear about the Wall Street INVESTMENT BANKER who won $10 million in the lottery? He''s so happy that he''s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Marooned

Computers have become indispensable tools in any profession, investment banking included. All those sophisticated financial models used by investment bankers in IPO transactions and M & As, among others, are software driven. This one from http://www.afunnystuff.com answers the question: What if an investment banker suddenly finds himself cut off from the amenities of modern life, like a computer? Start your week right with a joke:

An ambitious INVESTMENT BANKER finally decided to take a
vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of His life. ...at least for
awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down
and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the
shore of an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels,
this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months
he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for His old life,
and fixed His gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement
out of the corner of His eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was
the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to
him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How
did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn`t know anyone else had survived.
How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a
rowboat wash up with you."

"It`s only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn`t wash up,
nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of
raw material that I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm
branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
tree."

"But-- but, that`s impossible," stuttered the man, "you had
no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south
side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial
rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you
live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the
beach the whole time.

"Well, let`s row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a
small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out
of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman
tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man
could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the
house, she said casually "It`s not much, but I call it home.
Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can`t take any
more coconut juice."

"It`s not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a
still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,
and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had
exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I`m going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet
in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the
bathroom.

There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to
its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is
amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines
(strategically positioned) and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she
began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we`ve been
out here for a very long time. You`ve been lonely. There`s
something I`m sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you`ve been longing for all these months? You
know... "

She stared into His eyes. He couldn`t believe what he was
hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "--I can check my voice
mail from here?"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Lab Rats

I had time to read some blogs today in my search for quotable investment banker jokes. The following is from http://pifry.blogspot.com whose blogger is apparently a student whose Finance professor, who is the source of this joke, hates investment bankers:

Why do Scientists prefer to experiment on INVESTMENT BANKERS instead of the usual white rats?

1) There are more investment bankers.

2) No one ever gets attached to an investment banker.

3) There are some things even white rats won't do.

The blogger's favorite is # 2. What's yours?

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Abraham and the Investment Banker

Here's a different spin from www.jewishsf.com to an earlier joke I posted here:

An INVESTMENT BANKER was walking through the desert and came upon a camp of nomads. While approaching the camp he saw a man among a flock of sheep. The investment banker greeted the man, who introduced himself as Abraham. The investment banker complimented Abraham on the quality of his flock and asked how long it took to acquire such a herd.

Abraham replied, "Only a little while."

The investment banker then asked why didn't he get a larger flock. Abraham said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The investment banker then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

Abraham replied: "I sleep late, play with my children, nap with my wife, Sarah, stroll among the camp visiting, where I sip wine and tell stories. I have a full and busy life."

The investment banker scoffed: "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time making your flock larger and with the proceeds, buy some land rather than drifting about. And with the proceeds from the land you could buy a larger ranch and larger flocks and branch out it into other livestock. Eventually, you would have a large enterprise with thousands of acres. You would be selling thousands of livestock each year. Instead of selling your inventory to individuals, you would sell directly to the processor, then eventually open your own meat-processing facility. You would need to leave this desert and move to a larger city, of course, and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

Abraham asked, "But how long will this all take?"

To which the investment banker replied, "About 15 to 20 years."

"But what then?"

The investment banker laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and you would make millions."

"Millions. Then what?"

The investment banker said, "Then you would retire. Move to the quiet and beautiful desert where you can sleep late, play with your children, nap with your wife, Sarah, stroll among the camp visiting, where you can sip wine and tell stories."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

The Lawyer and the Investment Banker

This copyrighted joke from www.jokecrazy.com has a political slant which does not reflect either way my own political persuasion. To begin with, I'm not an American. However, since we are all winding down for, hopefully, a relaxing weekend, let's just set our cares aside and take it easy. What better way to do that than through a joke. Here goes:

A lawyer, a fervent Democrat dressed in casual clothes, sits down to have his lunch in a park across from his office.

Then he notices a very distinguished and dignified man sit down a few feet away on the grass; he is extremely well dressed in a tailored Hickey Freeman pinstriped suit, silk tie, starched white shirt, cuff links, tiepin, Rolex, highly polished black wingtips and silk socks. He places his expensive briefcase next to him and prepares for lunch.

"One of those Republicans, I'll bet" thought the lawyer, and after introducing himself, he found out he is right – not only a Republican, but an INVESTMENT BANKER. The lawyer glances at the banker's shoes, glistening in the sunlight.

Lawyer: You have those polished every day, don't you.

Investment Banker: Just about. I have to look good for the clients.

Lawyer: What about the poor? A few shoeshine would pay for a lot food.

Investment Banker: I help them through taxes, but we all have personal responsibility.

Lawyer: I'm telling you, the poor only need a chance! We should be GIVING them money; they haven't had our advantages!

Investment Banker: We all have to work for what we have.

Lawyer: Look, poverty can happen to anyone! There's no way you can know that from where you sit!

"Keep talking if you want to. When I sleep, nothing wakes me…and I mean NOTHING. "The investment banker sighs, then takes off his suit jacket, places it on the grass and falls deeply asleep.

Then a barefoot homeless man appears, and asks the lawyer for change. The lawyer apologizes, and says he has nothing, but then he sees the investment banker's wallet in his suit pocket. He slips it out, and hands it to the homeless man; then he notices that the homeless man needs shoes.

Then he has an idea…he looks over at the feet of the sleeping investment banker… "Wait!" cries the lawyer. "I'm sure you need these more than he does." He then starts to untie the investment banker's polished wingtips and carefully pulls them off. Even more carefully, he pulls off his black dress socks and hands both shoes and socks to the astonished homeless man. "With my compliments!"

Then the lawyer sees a sad woman with a baby walking by. "Can I help you?" he asks her. When he finds out that she needs money for her rent, the lawyer again approaches the snoring – and now barefoot - investment banker and removes his cuff links; then he slips the tiepin out of the silk tie and the Rolex off his wrist. He hands them all to the delighted woman. "Sell these!" the lawyer cries. "Oh, thank you sir" says the delighted woman, and runs off.

Next, a man in a janitor's uniform walks by, looking dejected. "What's the matter, my friend?" says the lawyer sympathetically. "I..lost my job. I have a chance for a better one, but I don't have the clothes! This is all I have!" and he holds up a pair of old polyester pants.

The lawyer sighs, and then sees the businessman's pinstriped suit jacket. "Would this help?" he asks the man. "Sure!" cries the man. "You could use a briefcase, too!" says the lawyer and opens up the investment banker's briefcase. He removes the contents and hands it to the joyful man. Then he looks at the investment banker's silk tie and white shirt. Can he manage it?

Slowly, slowly he unties and pulls off the red silk tie and then, slowly, slowly unbuttons the white shirt. He has to move the investment banker a few times, but he only snores and sleeps. Then he undoes the banker's belt and pulls it off. Triumphantly he hands the shirt, belt and tie to the man. "Wait" the lawyer cries. "You really need the whole suit. Give me a hand and I'll need those polyester pants. I'm getting good at this" and with great care and trouble, set to work.

Ten minutes later, the sleeping investment banker was wearing the polyester pants and the man was staring happily at his tailored suit. He thanks the lawyer profusely and runs off. "How good it is to help people!" he says to himself.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman walks up to the investment banker, and snaps: "Hey buddy, wake up, no loitering! We don't allow bums to sleep here"

Finally the investment banker wakes up with a start and looks down at himself with astonishment. There is nothing left of the impeccably dressed executive he had been when he left his office. He is barefoot, and wearing only cheap trousers and a t-shirt. It takes him a moment to realize that his suit, shoes, socks, suit, tie, watch, jewelry, money and briefcase are gone.

He turns to the lawyer in astonished fury. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! WHERE IS MY SUIT, MY TIE, MY SHIRT! WHERE ARE MY SHOES AND SOCKS!? MY BRIEFCASE! HOW CAN I GO BACK TO MY OFFICE LIKE THIS!? I LOOK LIKE A BUM!"

The policeman then turns to the lawyer and says "Is this bum disturbing you, sir?" and grabs the struggling investment banker by the arm and says: "You can sleep it off in the tank, buddy!" At that moment, his boss walks by on a stroll, sees his employee being dragged away and cries out, "You're fired!"

The lawyer just shrugs and says: "Those republicans! They never think it will happen to them!"

A New Survey Shows...

Investment bankers, like everyone else, have a life beyond work and the money chase. In my case, I have taken up blogging. Here's a short take by Bob Mills from http://about.humor.com on what others do:

A new survey shows that 29% of INVESTMENT BANKERS secretly long to write poetry. Unfortunately, all of their poems begin "There once was some undeveloped beach front property in Nantucket. . . "

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

Farmer's Daughter

Investment banking is one industry with a high burn-out rate because of its stress and fast-pace. Here's a joke from www.grupthink.com on one such guy who just wanted to coast along after living on the fast-lane:

James, an extremely successful INVESTMENT BANKER who has made his mark on the world, had enough with living life in the fast lane and purchased a piece of land in the backwoods of Vermont.

After six months of solitude, one day he heard a knock at the door. He hurried to answer it and was greeted by an large, bearded, man and his gorgeous daughter. "Hi, I'm Amos, and this my daughter Jamie, we are you neighbor from over t' hill. You being new, I thought I'd invite you to a party at my place Friday night."

Thinking he'd have enough solitude and a chance to meet a fine young lady, Joe answered, "Sure I'd be happy to come. What time does it start?" Amos said, "About seven thirty". As he started to leave, Amos turned back and said, "I should let you know, sometimes there's a fair amount of drinkin' at these things."

Joe replied "No problem, I can drink with the best of them."Smiling at Jamie as he said this. Amos again turned to leave and then turned back, "Sometimes there's a fight 'r two." Joe said, "I'll just have to be careful, but I can hold my own in a fight." Amos, nodded and started off again.

Then he stopped and looking over his shoulder said, "One last thing, pretty wild sex happens from time to time, too". Joe smiled, "Hell, it wouldn't be much of a party without that would it?".

As Amos started once more to leave, James had a thought. What should I wear?" he called? Amos stopped and thought for a moment. "Dun matter much to me." he said, "It'll just be the two of us".

An Investment Banker Sets Up Shop

If you have built up a name in this business, if you are well-connected and you are excellently networked, you are probably among the few who are well-positioned to establish a so-called "boutique" investment banking practice. However, unless you have a legal background, it would pay for you to have a good in-house counsel who can help you navigate the treacherouswaters of deal-making. Here's a slightly edited joke from http://www.banknetindia.com on one such investment banker screening lawyer-applicants:

An INVESTMENT BANKER decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and said, "My father sued me for the money."

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

Why Investment Bankers Make More Money

In Gediminas' Page in http://www-stu.christs.cam.ac.uk there's a scientific explanation for the disproportionately larger paycheck of investment bankers over that of engineers and scientists. At the risk of incurring the collective ire of investment bankers, I am posting this borrowed self-deprecating joke for humor's sake. Hey, guys, take it easy...I'm with you, okay?

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as INVESTMENT BANKERS. Now, a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: knowledge is power.

Postulate 2: time is money.

As every engineer knows,

work / time = power.

Since knowledge = power, and time = money, we have:

work / money = knowledge

Solving for money, we get

work / knowledge = money.

Thus, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity regardless of the work done (sorry, there's supposed to be a formula here but I don't know much about HTML. The paste command doesn't work here),

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More Money you Make.

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

Dog Competition

Structuring complex and innovative investment banking transactions require creativity, imagination and quick thinking. In the industry, we call these "sexy" deals. The sexier a deal one can successfully pull off, the more respect an investment banker gets from his peers. This joke from Markjoshi.com, which I edited slightly, exaggerates of course the nature of this creativity I'm talking about:

A researcher (ex-mathematician), a risk manager and an INVESTMENT BANKER each bring a dog to a competition.

The first one to display is the researcher's dog. The researcher brought a bottle of milk a bowl and placed it all on the floor. Then he commanded the dog to take the bottle and pour the milk into the bowl until the maximum amount it could hold. And that is exactly what his dog did.

The second one to display is the risk manager's dog. The risk manager's brought bottle of milk a bowl and placed it all on the floor. Then he commanded the dog to take the bottle and pour the milk into the bowl until two thirds of the maximum it could hold and without spilling any milk during the whole process. And that is exactly what his dog did.

The third one to display is the INVESTMENT BANKER's dog. The investment banker did not bring anything other than the dog. Then he commanded the dog to do what he taught. The dog stands up and walks in the direction of each one of the bowls and drinks all the milk.

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

Investment Banker Pay

On a really good year, star Wall Street investment bankers can earn so much as to be able to buy brand new Porsches like they were just matchbox toys on a shelf. You may wonder how their pay gets negotiated in the first place. Why are they unlike other mortals who toil each day of their working lives only to earn from retirement but a fraction of the annual take of a "rain-maker" from Wall Street? Let's see if you get some idea on how they do this thru the following joke from Mefco's Randomjoke.com:

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young INVESTMENT BANKER fresh out of Harvard, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Investment Banker said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The Human Resources Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?"

The Investment Banker sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the Human Resources Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

The Fisherman and the Investment Banker

Investment bankers are rewarded well for their deal-making skills. The true masters of this game are considered the "rain-makers" in their organizations. These are the guys who can--well, almost-- extract blood from stone, in a manner of speaking. That good. Here is a classic joke about an investment banker at work from Kenwoodennard.com. Pay close attention to his deal-making savvy. Just don't forget this is a joke:

The American INVESTMENT BANKER was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)

Saved By The Bell !

Whatever image you may hold about investment bankers, which may have come from personally knowing one, or reading about them, or seeing personifications of this breed in movies, one thing is certain--at their core, they are plain human beings who commit as much mistakes as everybody else, so don't let them fool you if you come across some conceited rhetoric about who they are. Take this joke from Becquet.com:

AN INVESTMENT BANKER I know was sitting in the lobby of a San Francisco hotel when she saw a familiar face nearby. She was sure he was a former client or colleague, so she started walking over to him. Just then, Henry Kissinger, the former U.S. secretary of state, strode in and took the seat my friend was about to occupy. She was saved. She had planned to open the conversation with Helmut Schmidt, the former chancellor of West Germany, by asking: "Didn't we work together at Chase Manhattan Bank?"

(Clipart credit: Barrysclipart.com)