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| Photo Courtesy: Google Images |
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| Courtesy: Google Images |
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| Photo Courtesy: parrots4parties.com |
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| Courtesy: traveltips.usatoday.com |
I posted this earlier in my IBanker blog under a more "formal" title, consistent with the character of that blog. But since this is a jokes blog, I thought my title here could be more down to earth--where I could call a spade a spade. Here goes the story:
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10.
And, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the City, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works!!
Teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk emailed these jokes to me today. I'd like to thank him for his continuing support to this blog:
One day a student asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Can you tell us unmistakably and certainly when the world economic crisis will be overcome?”
“As a true predictor, I think that I won’t make a mistake if I say certainly nothing.”
***
One day a student asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“How can one become a wise and talented person?”
“First of all, one should hand his soul to God,” advised the teacher.
“But, how can the wise become a rich person?”
“Well, to become rich the one should change his mind and sell his soul profitably to devil.”
***
One day a student asked the teacher-polyglot:
“What party will you vote for during the next election?”
“I won’t vote for anyone,” replied the teacher.
“Why won’t you vote?”
“That’s because there is one idiot in each party.”
“What do you think about the other members?”
“They are his adherents.”
***
One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk met his old friend.
“The life if tough,” complained the friend. “It is so hard to live now!”
“Don’t worry,” the teacher advised. “The life is short. Be patient and wait a little.”
***
One day a girl student came to the teacher-polyglot for a consultation in English. On her finger she had a beautiful gold ring which she was showing all the time. At the end of the consultation she asked the teacher:
“What do you think about gold? Will the prices for it drop?”
“No, the prices for gold won’t drop until you try to sell this ring to somebody.”
***
One day a student asked a question to the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Why do some work hard, run up and down - and get a little, but others work a little - and have much?”
“The matter is that God gave Man legs to run, hands to work. And God gave Man a head not to run in vain and not to work in vain.”
***
One day the teacher-polyglot advised one student:
“To get a prestige job you must work hard almost daily from morning till evening.”
“And what will be after that?”
“Then you will have to work hard daily from morning till evening not to lose your prestige job.”
***
One day a student asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“What is a consulting company?”
“This is a company where there are wise people who consult undertakers of small and middle business.”
“Why don’t they themselves do their own business?” the student was surprised.
“I have just told you, “This is a company where wise people are.”
***
INVESTMENT BANKER # 1: How fast is your car?
INVESTMENT BANKER # 2: Well, it keeps about six months ahead of my income generally.
(Photo credit: Google Images)
INVESTMENT BANKER DAD: If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand?
SON: He never would, Dad. After he got $900 he'd buy a car.
During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money.
The officers took him in hand, one after another, with little effect. At last the president tried his hand, and after long and minute explanation, some inkling of the situation seemed to be dawning on the farmer's mind. Much encouraged, the president said: "You understand now how it is, don't you, Mr.. Schmidt?"
"I t'ink I do," admitted Mr. Schmidt. "It's like dis, aindt it? Ven my baby vakes up at night and vants some milk, I gif him a milk ticket."
(Photo credit: Google Images)
As the recession in the US deepens, there is speculation that Mexican authorities are considering building fortified “border fence” to prevent jobless Americans from sneaking into Mexico to look for jobs as farm, construction workers or domestic helpers.
(Source: Boo Chanco's column at The Philippine Star)
Photo credit: Google Images
A retired New York resident who has moved to the West Coast to retire, visited a local doctor to seek medical advice for what he suspects as new and very unusual health problems.
Patient: “Doc, I feel shortness of breath, dizziness, cold sweats, can’t sleep. Do you think I will collapse any time soon?”
Doctor: “Yep. You must be from Wall Street!”
(Source: Boo Chanco's column at The Philippine Star)
Here's something I picked up from a recent Reuters article:
Two people produce fake 15 yuan notes, although there is no such thing as a 15 yuan bill in China.
They decide to go to a remote mountain area to spend it and buy a candied melon slice for 1 yuan.
They burst into tears when they get two 7 yuan notes in change. (There is also no such thing as a 7 yuan note in China.)
Q: What is the one thing Wall Street and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronized diving.
(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, December 1, 2008)
How do you define an optimist?
An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
* * *
What's the difference between investment bankers and London pigeons?
The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on a new BMWs.
* * *
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can still feed a family of four.
(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, Oct. 22, 2008)
Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.
(Source: Boo Chanco, The Philippine Star, Nov. 19, 2008)
A stock broker, suffering a slight nervous breakdown from the Wall Street crash, was taken to a hospital to rest.
While more or less in a daze, he overheard his nurse say, as she handed the patient's chart to the doctor, "Temperature today, 102."
Weakly the broker raised his head and said, "When it reaches 102 1/2, sell," then wearily fell back against his pillow."
(Thanks to Google Images for the above cartoon)
Here's a circa 1887 joke about Wall Street from Life, vol. IX, no. 230, p.289. See how amazingly timeless its moral lesson is:
An old rat, whose long residence in the city had given him great knowledge of the wiles of civilized life, observed one evening a tempting bit of cheese close by his favorite hole in the wall.
Instead of greedily rushing at it, he called a young friend, saying, "Whiskerando, some kind person has prepared a feast for us. Help yourself."
The guileless innocent rushed on the cheese, which he devoured voraciously: but, alas! in a few minutes he rolled over on his back, stone dead. The dainty was poisoned.
"My experience in Wall Street has stood me in well," mused the old rat as he turned into his hole: "it is safer to give other folks pointers, and pocket your commission, than to risk your all on a wildcat investment."
You can't win.
If you don't try and run after money, you lack ambition.
If you run after the money, you're materialistic.
If you don't get it, you're a loser.
If you get it and keep it, you're a miser.
If you get it and spend it, you're a spendthrift.
If you still have it after a lifetime of work, you're a fool who never got any fun out of life.
You just can't win.
(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)
