Quotable J.P. Morgan

Courtesy: Google Images

When asked what the stock market will do, J.P Morgan (1837-1913), the banker, financier, businessman replied:

"It will fluctuate!"

Joke About Traders

I've got something funny here from AnalyticalQ.com:

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced his altitude and saw a man below.
"Excuse me, but can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but
I don't know where I am," he said.

The man below replied: "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and
between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude."

To which the balloonist replied:
"You must be a broker." To which the man on the ground said:
"I am, but how did you know?"

The reply came from above: "Everything you told me is
technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded: "You must be a trader."
To which the balloonist replied: "Yes, I am, but how did you know?"

To which the man on the ground said: "You don't know where you
are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have
no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Biblical Humor

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?


A. The Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?


A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Financial Genius

My online friend Oleg Palamarchuk contributed this joke:

One day the teacher-polyglot met his old friend who shared his problem:

         “I have owed a thousand dollars and can’t give back.”

“One thousand dollars?” the teacher re-asked him. “I see you’re a poor man.”

          “Why?”

“If you owed $ 10,000 you would be a small enterpriser.

            If you owed $ 100,000 you would be a middle enterpriser.

           If you owed $ 1,000,000 you would be a serious businessman.

           And if you owed more than $ 10,000,000 you would be a financial genius.”

Bush on Bank Closings

Here's a joke from the Jay Leno show:

"You know, I'll tell you, once again, I don't think President Bush gets it. He doesn't really understand economic issues. Like today, he was asked if customers should be concerned by all these bank closings. And Bush said, 'If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM.'"

Like A Baby

The current Wall Street meltdown has frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he was worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the bank failures?”

He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours… I do that a number of times through the night until morning comes.”

(Source: Boo Chanco, Philippine Star)

Banner Year

The property developer told his banker, "The way things are going, this could be my banner year."

Six months later he hung out the banner: BANKRUPTCY SALE.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Rich Man

There was a girl who had been "dishonored" by an INVESTMENT BANKER. The girl's father, rifle in hand, confronted the investment banker. "You have dishonored my daughter," said the angry father.

"I am a rich man," said the accused and promised to pay for his indiscretion -- $550,000 for a baby boy, $500,000 for a girl.

"What if my daughter has a miscarriage?" demanded the father. "Will you give her another chance?"

Big Time

An INVESTMENT BANKER submitted his expense account. Stabbing at it with his forefinger, the boss demanded, "What's this big item?"

"Oh," said the investment banker, "that's just my hotel bill."

"Well," said the boss, "don't buy any more hotels!"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Firing Line

The tactful boss called the inefficient INVESTMENT BANKING ASSOCIATE to fire him.

"Son," he said, "I don't know how we're ever going to get along without you, but starting Monday we're going to try."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Long Hours in Investment Banking

Applicant: Before I take this job, tell me, are the hours long in INVESTMENT BANKING?

HR Manager: No, only 60 minutes each.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Silence is Golden

The INVESTMENT BANKER was reproached by a friend who said, "I think it is a shame that you have not spoken to your wife for 15 years. How do you justify it?"

And the investment banker answered, "I don't want to interrupt her."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Affording the Best

The surgeon was discussing a forthcoming operation with a wealthy INVESTMENT BANKER patient. "Would you prefer a local anaesthetic?"

"I can afford the best," replied the investment banker. "Get something imported."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Stock Market Terminology

Let me share with you these wacky definitions from an Internet jokebook collected and edited by a fellow Pinoy, Gloria F. Rodriguez. This was published in 2004, but as you can see, it's a timely take on the current state of the global equities market:

BEAR MARKET: A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

BROKER: What my broker has made me.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane, and the disappearance of your money.

CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO: Chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: Corporate fraud officer.

EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.

EBITDA: Earnings before I tricked the damn auditor.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.

MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God.

STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Anecdotes by Oleg Palamarchuk about Oleg Palamarchuk

I love this interesting smorgasboard of anecdotes on money which I took from . I thought I'd share them with you:

The writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk accompanied one German businessman in his trip to Russia. And at the end of this trip the translator asked the German:

"Do you understand that your company risks much by investing money in the Russian economy? What if Russia will fall in default again and split into parts?

The old Bavarian smiled:

"If Russia split into parts, it will mean that we, Germans or Americans, haven't invested money here in vain."

* * *

The teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk conducted a lesson in German. The topic was economics and bank business.

"What do you think I must do to become a successful banker?" asked a student.

"I can't say what you should do, but I can tell what you shouldn't do. Follow the three rules: first, don't lend money those who don't have any; second, don't lend money those who need it badly; third, don't lend your own money."

* * *

During a lecture the students asked their teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

"Why don't American and European businessmen invest money in the Ukrainian economy?"

"They don't understand our realities. In the USA a businessman should compete for his place under the sun. But in Ukraine, if a businessman wants to earn money, he should find a place in the shadow and doesn't shine," explained the teacher.

* * *

The Ukrainian youth enjoys computers like other young people in the world.

"It was a wise man who created the computer?" expressed his excitement a boy who attended the English course conducted by the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk.

"You are wrong," said the teacher-polyglot. "In this world only God creates; Satan makes up; the Europeans and migrants from Europe into the North America invent; the Russians find; the Chinese compile; and the Jews make a profit on their activity.

* * *

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk met his former school-mate and they had a talk. And the first question was about jobs.

"I am a general director of my own company," praised the school-mate.

"Recently you told me that you were just a director," remarked Oleg Palamarchuk.

"It was earlier, then I was alone, but now I hired a guy, and there are two persons in the company: he is a director, but I am a general director."

* * *

Once a school-girl asked her teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

"Why don't you do business? You know so much! What can you earn by teaching in the country where not so many people want to study?

"To do business in my country", explained Oleg Palamarchuk, "one should be slippery, otherwise one will be caught; one should be hard, otherwise one will be cracked; one should be flexible, otherwise one will be broken. And the main rule of our business: the less you know, the longer you will live. But I know too much to survive in our business."

* * *

One day a friend of the writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk called him up:

"I want to share my joy with you. I have just von 1000 dollars at a lottery."

"OK, give me half the sum and I will share your joy."

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Some Classic Banker Jokes from L. William Sediman

L.William Sediman was the Chairman of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC). Among the classic bankers' jokes attributed to him are the following:

On The World Bank's blank cheque aids

"I was there for the World Bank and we had $2 billion to spend, and if you want to really be treated royally, just wander through Russia with $2 billion that you can provide them... I got so full of caviar that I couldn't look at a fish egg again."

On the Russian lending problem

"I went into one small bank and there were three or four of the tougher looking Russians sitting around with AK47s and I said, I know that crime is awful around here, but do you need to have a real army here to defend this small of a bank? They said, well, they are not here to defend the bank, those are the people who collect our loans."

On the Japan banking problem

"A doctor calls up his patient and says, I have bad news for you and worse news for you. You have only 24 hours to live. The patient says, oh, that's terrible. What could be worse news? The doctor says, I've been trying to get you since yesterday."

Quick Banker Jokes

Here's an excellent cocktail of quick BANKER jokes from www.jokesmagazine.com for your weekend relaxation:

If bankers can count, how come the average bank has 10 windows and only four tellers?

Because if they were gone longer you would have to retrain them.


What do they call a Banker with half a brain?

Gifted.


What do you call 10 Bankers sitting in a circle?

Dope Ring.


How do you make a Banker laugh on Tuesday?

Tell a joke on Monday.


How many Bankers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Sixteen. One to stir the dough and 15 to peel the M&Ms.


What did the Banker call his pet Zebra?

Spot.


What is the difference between Big Foot and a socially responsible banker?

Big Foot has been sighted.


How do you confuse a Banker?

Give him a bag of M&M's and tell him to alphabetize them.


Two Bankers going to Disneyland saw a roadsign that said "Disneyland Left..."

so they turned around and went back home.


What did the Banker yell in an emergency?

"What's the number for 911?"


Why did the banker have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?

From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

That's a Lot of Bull

Once in a while, I come across jokes like this from http://www.jokeathon.com. Go figure it out:

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the BANKER who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Bunker or Banker?

It seems that there are more available plain banker jokes than the highly niched investment banker jokes. So we continue with this take (slightly edited by me) from Michael Finney which appeared in www.rupa.com:

.......as Enron was going down, Chairman Ken Lay was desperately
trying to raise cash.

In a meeting with top BANKERS, Lay presented a list of all the
collateral they had for a new loan. There were pipelines, contracts,
receivables, a half-built plant in India -- quite a list.

But the bankers told him it wasn't enough. "Isn't there ANYTHING
else you own which is fully paid for, that you can put up?

And no one has seen Dick Cheney since.

Whose Problem Is It?

This one's part of the BANKER JOKES collection of www.workjoke.com but if you ask me, I think there's more truth here than humor:

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)