World's Oldest Top Recorded Jokes

According to the University of Wolverhampton, a British university, the world's oldest top recorded joke has been traced to a circa 1900 BC saying of the ancient Sumerians, which goes:

"Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

The second oldest recorded joke is a 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru:

"How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

On the other hand, the oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century:

"What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

(Source: Yahoo! News)

12 Tips From Investment Banking Analysts to Managing Directors

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.


2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.


3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.


4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and this is good training.


5. If you give me more that one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.


6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. Beside, having no life will help prepare me for making partner.


7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.


8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.


9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.


10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deduction powers will identify them.


11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.


12. Tell me all your little problems. None of us have any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Performance Appraisal of an Investment Banking Associate

The Boss asked for a letter describing Steve Jones:

Steve Jones, my INVESTMENT BANKING ASSOCIATE, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Steve works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Steve never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Steve takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Steve is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Steve can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Steve be
promoted to an officer position, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

A Memo was soon sent following the letter:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Old Economst vs. Young Economist

This is a well-worn joke about an old economist and a young economist walking down the street:

The young economist looks down and sees a $20 bill on the street and says, "Hey, look a twenty-dollar bill!"

Without even looking, his older and wiser colleague replies, "Nonsense. If there had been a twenty-dollar lying on the street, someone would have already picked it up by now."

(Photo credit: Google Images)

A Grizzly Tale

Two INVESTMENT BANKERS are sitting around a campfire one night when one decides to ask the other a question:

Investment Banker A: "Buddy, what would you do if a huge Grizzly Bear came crashing through the bushes right now and let out a roar? What would you do?"

Investment Banker B: "Well, I guess I would take off and run like hell."

Investment Banker A (amused at the answer): "Oh yeah? Don't you know that Grizzly Bears can run 35 miles an hour in short bursts? You think you're going to outrun a Grizzly Bear?"

Investment banker B: No, I just have to outrun you."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

More Financial Jokes from Oleg Palamarchuk

Last March, Oleg Palamarchuk was kind enough to share his jokes which I published here. Today, I received another batch of jokes from him. I thanked him profusely for coming to my "rescue"--I haven't posted any new jokes for quite some time now, if you noticed. I'm simply having difficulty collecting original jokes from my usual sources. Here goes Oleg with his jokes:

***

Some teachers were talking about richness, poverty and kindness.
“Only a poor man can be kind - he may share what he possesses with others,” said one woman, who was a true Christian.

“But I have never heard that a rich man would really share his property with others.”
“When you have nothing,” remarked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk. ”You always want to share it with others.”

***

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk came into a bank to get a loan.
“You should have a mortgage or pawn your house or garage, or any other immovable property,” explained a bank expert.

“Can I pawn my old car? It is without its engine, without wheels. This car is a quite immovable property!”

***

One day a post woman, who had brought a letter to the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk, complained to him:

“Can you tell me: how can I live on this miserable postman’s salary?”
“It is hard, but it’s possible. You should have a strong will-power. If you overcome all your wishes you will be able to live. And if you overcome your mind you will be happy as well.”

***

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk called up to one fat businessman:

“I have a proposition for you-”
“Well, tell short,” the businessman interrupted him. “Time is money! I have no time!”
“Contrary to you, I have time but no money,” the teacher informed.
“So, couldn’t you exchange your money for my time?”

***

One day during a lecture the students asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

“Why are there so many opinions among our economic experts about the same problem? If one economist expresses one thought, why does another economist express a quite different one?”

“There are no adherents in the economic prognoses. If one predicts one thing and another predicts the same, who will listen to the latter?”

***

One day the students asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:

“What will happen to Ukraine if Russia raises its prices of oil and gas twice as high as they are just now?
“Then only wonder will save us,” replied the teacher.
“Do you think that Ukraine has no chance to be an independent state?”
“Why, no chance?” objected the teacher. “But, wonder!”

***

One businessman addressed the teacher-polyglot for an advice:

“I have a competitor. How can I destroy him without bloodshed?”
“If your competitor is weak, criticize him until he will be broken.”
“What if he is strong?”
“Then you should praise him until he will become a weak one.”

(If you need more jokes, you may visit Oleg's website: www.oleganekdot.narod.ru)