Mixed Messages

Thanks for www.officediversions.com for these banker jokes:

THE young woman who entered our BANK to cash a check looked so hesitant that I went to help her. "Please sign the back of the check," I told her, "as you'd sign a letter." She looked at me gratefully, scribbled on the check and passed it to me. Signed on the back was: "Yours affectionately, Pamela."

* * *

FIRST National Bank of Washington Ill., tried to encourage business through billboard advertising, but conveyed quite a different message when the following ad was displayed: "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."

Pompous Investment Banker

How media regards investment bankers is best illustrated by this slightly edited joke from www.workjoke.com:

A young INVESTMENT BANKER decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.

The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog".

The investment banker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street investment banker and not a student.

The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous investment banker kills school mascot".

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Materialistic Investment Banker

How materialistic are you? Compare yourself with the investment banker in this slightly edited joke from www.glendaleplus.com:

The very successful INVESTMENT BANKER parked his brand-new BMW in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door to get out, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door of the BMW.

The i-banker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the i-banker started screaming hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the i-banker finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you i-bankers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the i-banker. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"AAHHHHH!" screamed the i-banker. "Where's my Rolex?"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Bullet Proof

In a bank, a teller's job is among the more stressful ones. This joke from www.jokesmagazine.com gives an excellent example why:

The speaker at my BANK'S drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers.

One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out, and smacked the glass in front of my face. "I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled.

There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern. "It is," I yelled back.

"Good," she continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that damn speaker fixed!"

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

My Father Is A Banker

Little Johnny stars again in this joke from www.jokesmagazine.com :

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

Lost In Translation

This is more of a lawyer joke but since banks are involved here and, most of all, I personally like it, I decided to borrow this joke from Less-stress.com:

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing BANKS in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

I'm Not Supertitious

Here's a threesome of BANK jokes from www.funinvest1.com for your wind-down Friday:

A young college grad applied for a job with a BANK. The personnel officer asked, "What kind of job do you want?"

"I'll take vice-president for a start."

"We already have twelve vice-presidents."

"That's OK. I'm not superstitious."

* * *

I never knew why BANKS called them "personal loans." I missed three payments and boy did they get personal.

* * *

The BANK clerk reminded the customer that he forgot to dot the "I" in his signature. The customer said, "Can't you do that for me?" The teller replied, "Sorry sir. It must be in the same handwriting."

Fast-track to Become a World Bank Vice-President

Building a banking career anywhere takes time and is normally hard work. But some lucky few can cut corners. Like this joke from www.intentblog.com :

A Conversation between a man with the initial W & his son

W: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
W: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."?
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"?

Next W approaches Bill Gates:

W: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
W: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally W goes to see the president of the World Bank.

W: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
W: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

Who To Marry

I was not in the MySpace loop recently because of work. To compensate for that, here's a little puzzle for your entertainment, courtesy of www.greekshares.com (with minor editing):

There was an INVESTMENT BANKER who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the investor, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and then decided. QUESTION: Who did the investment banker marry?

ANSWER: (read from right to left) !stit tseggib eht htiw eno ehT

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)

Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The BANKERS are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The BANKERS are Italian.

(Courtesy of www.less-stress.com)

Banking for Red Indians

If you've ever served in a bank dealing with customers from all walks of life, you'd know how stressful this kind of work could be. I had personally experienced this kind of work, although briefly, as part of our on-the-job module for a management training program when I was still rising up the corporate ladder as a junior bank officer. Here's a joke from www.jokesmagazine.com that illustrates how difficult it is to deal with customers who are not financially sophisticated but whom you have to deal with as part of the job:

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local BANKER. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Tough Account

Even if it were the last job on earth, I wouldn't dream of becoming a loan collector. It's a hassle, to say the least. Here's a slightly edited joke from www.workjoke.com which shares a strategy for collecting on tough accounts:

Jones applied to a BANK for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)