Let me share with you these wacky definitions from an Internet jokebook collected and edited by a fellow Pinoy, Gloria F. Rodriguez. This was published in 2004, but as you can see, it's a timely take on the current state of the global equities market:
BEAR MARKET: A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane, and the disappearance of your money.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
CEO: Chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: Corporate fraud officer.
EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
EBITDA: Earnings before I tricked the damn auditor.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)
