A Matter of Professional Courtesy

A priest, a doctor and an INVESTMENT BANKER were boating along the shoreline of shark-infested waters when their outboard motor conked out. The wind and waves buffeted their boat so violently back and forth that a set of oars fell out and drifted away in the current. "one of us will have to swim ashore and go for help," said the doctor.

"I'll do it," said the investment banker and at once dove into the sea and struck out for shore. As the doctor and lawyer watched, the lawyer swam right between the fins of the sharks and reached the beach safely.

"My God," said the priest, "we've seen a miracle!"

"Oh, no," replied the doctor. "It was just a matter of professional courtesy."

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Two sides of the Balance sheet

Here's another quick one from Vinod Kothari:

There are two sides of the balance sheet - the left side and the right side. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left!

Bernanke Goes to the Barber

I'd like to acknowledge VinodKothari.com for this securitization joke:

Bernanke goes to the barber for the regular haircut.

As usual for barbers, they engage their clients in conversation while cutting hair. But this time, the barber started talking about securitization. "Mr Chairman, what are you doing to promote securitization?", and so on. Bernanke shooed him, but he kept on pestering about securitization.

Anguished, Bernanke says: What do you know about securitization to talk all this rubbish?

The barber said he knows nothing. "All I am doing is my job. As I talk about securitization, your hair straightens upwards. Which makes it easy for me to cut!".

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Jokes from Oleg Palamarchuk

Finally, someone has responded to my invitation to submit jokes which I can publish on this blog. I'd like to thank Oleg Palamarchuk for the cocktail of jokes that follow:

Financial Jokes from the Outside

* * *
The bell rang and the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk started his lesson:
“Today we will discuss a very important subject. What do I mean? Solve a riddle:
“Many of us have much of this but none of us enough! What is this?”
“Money!” said the children.
“No!” the teacher rejected the answer. “I mean knowledge.”

* * *
“Whom does God love better: the wise or the fools?” a pupil asked the teacher-polyglot.
“God loves all of us equally,” the teacher replied.
“Why do the fools live better than the wise?”
“The wise enjoy wisdom, the fools enjoy money. That’s why God gives wisdom for the wise and money for the fools.”

* * *
One pupil asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Will I become a businessman after graduating from the Institute of International Economics and Management?”
“No!”
“Why?”
“The institute teachers won’t teacher you it, because those who know how to make money will never teach others how to do it.”

* * *
At the English lesson the teacher-polyglot asked his pupil:
“How do you understand the idiom “to work like a horse”?”
“To work like a horse means to earn only for oatmeal,” the pupil replied.

* * *
A boy, who attended the lessons on German conducted by the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk, asked his teacher to clear up him the meaning of two words.
“What does it mean “freedom” and what does it mean “democracy”?”
“How can I explain?” the teacher-polyglot was puzzled.
“Well, freedom is when you stay alone at home. And democracy is when you will have a new father in four or five years.”

* * *
One day a schoolboy asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“What is a law?”
“How can I explain it for you?” the teacher hesitated. “Shortly saying, the law is for fool men!”
“What is for the wise then?”
“The wise men always reach an agreement between each other,” explained the teacher.

* * *
One day in the street the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was stopped by his neighbor, who spent before a TV-set a lot of time.
“Our country is faced with the general crisis once more!” the neighbor began to talk.
“There is no crisis for all,” the teacher objected.
“Some suffer from it, others get profit of it. As to me I have a bad toothache.”
“How do you think it will have ended?”
“I think either my doctor will put in a filling or he will get my tooth out.”

* * *
Once the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was asked:
“What should one do to become a well-known economic expert in the mass media?”
“One must foresee what won’t happen, but if it has happened, one should explain why it mustn’t have happened.
“But, what will be, if he makes a right economic forecast?”
“Then this economist cannot be well-known, otherwise the mass media magnates won’t earn anything on the stock exchange.”

* * *
“What is money in your life?” the students asked the teacher-polyglot.
“Money is solicitudes of my life when I want to buy necessary things. But when I spend my money for unnecessary things or when I don’t spend money at all, it, money, doesn’t trouble me at all.”

* * *
Once a friend asked the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“How many dollars do you earn a month?”
“I earn many dollars but little money.”

* * *
If you need more jokes, you can visit Oleg's website at: www.oleganekdot.narod.ru

Stock Market Terminology

Let me share with you these wacky definitions from an Internet jokebook collected and edited by a fellow Pinoy, Gloria F. Rodriguez. This was published in 2004, but as you can see, it's a timely take on the current state of the global equities market:

BEAR MARKET: A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

BROKER: What my broker has made me.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane, and the disappearance of your money.

CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO: Chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: Corporate fraud officer.

EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.

EBITDA: Earnings before I tricked the damn auditor.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past-year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.

MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God.

STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

The Bank Robbery

I got this from ABConInvesting.com:

Two stock brokers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two stock brokers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the stock brokers jams something into the other stockbroker's hand. Without looking down, the second stockbroker whispers: "What is this?" The first stockbroker : "It's the $100 I owe you!"

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

The Investment Banker and the Engineer

An investment banker and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The investment banker said, “I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm here because my house and
all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The investment banker looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”" he asked.

(Photo credit: www.sxc.hu)

Three Wishes

An investment banking analyst, an investment banking associate and their Managing Director are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the ibanking analyst. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the ibanking associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He´s gone.

"OK, you´re up," the Genie says to the MD.

The MD says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

(Photo credit: Stockxpert.com)